This weekend, the kids treated me to brunch out. As is our McKee family habit, part of the time was spent affirming the person being honored. In this case, it was me because of Mother’s Day. Rick asked the kids how they would describe me to their own children someday if something happened and I were to die before those little people ever get know me. 

I’m not gonna lie. It was a really special moment for me. Maybe on the highlight reel of my life so far. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why it meant so very much to me. I mean, they’ve all affirmed me before. But for some reason this conversation really struck a deep place in my heart. 

I’m going to share some of my reflections on it here because I think it might be instructive in how we love others as well. 

First, I think part of the reason it resonated so much is that I realized in that moment that I really am known by my family. When you are in the throes of raising kids and maintaining a refuge, it can feel like no one really sees you. For one thing, a lot of what you do is behind the scenes. But, also, I often feel like the oddball in my family. I’m less witty and way more awkward than the three of them. I like quiet and calm. They are all three more busy and aggressive than me. But, in this moment around the brunch table, I realized that I play an important part in the family dynamic too. One that they all do see and appreciate. 

Secondly, Rick’s question took it out of the “thanks for being such a great mom to me” category and put it into the “here’s what I really like about who you are” category. It’s a small change but it really meant a lot to me. My kids are thankful for WHO I am as a person. A person who also happens to be their mom. The things they listed weren’t really focused on WHAT I do for them. They said things like, “I’ve learned to pause and notice the world around me because of you” and “you have a great imagination and childlike wonder about you” and “you are just really kind and sweet and like to make peace” and “I like that you’re a good thinker and can talk about all kinds of things”. They said that they’d want to tell their kids about how I used to read out loud to them with different voices for the characters. And how I love to color in coloring books, and read Winnie the Pooh, or watch Anne with an e. 

They did also note the ways I sacrifice for them; so I’m not saying that the DO was totally disconnected from their thoughts of me as a mom. Of course, we live out our WHO as we DO. But, it felt really intimate and powerful to me to feel seen and known beyond just what I do for them. They described me pretty well, actually.  

Third, as they were sharing, I realized that I am hyper-focused on the ways in which I need to grow. I’m always striving, focused on where I fall short of my perceived perfect, Christian woman. I beat myself up a lot. Granted, it’s not all bad to know your blindspots or to be aware of your shortcomings or own your sin. And even to work on those things in cooperation with the Holy Spirit. But, for me, I think I over focus there and miss what God is doing in my life that is beautiful and good. 

What if, instead, I learned to revel in how God made me? Not in pride – because He is the author and designer of who I am. He is the one who gives good gifts and fashions us – the Bible refers to Him as the potter and me as the clay! The glory is still His. But, how nice would it be to be so comfortable in my own skin that I can humbly acknowledge the beauty along with flaws, bumps, and bruises? As Paul said in his letter to the Romans (12:3), I am to “think of [myself] with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given [me].” He put me into this world because He wants me to be here – not the “me I think I should because of how He made someone else and I think she is more ideal than me.” 

In his book, Crafting a Rule of Life, Stephen A. Macchia said it this way: 

“In truth, we cannot become anything other than who we already are, if we wish to be fulfilled in our lives and vocation. We must stop trying to “become” something else, or to “develop” or “cultivate” some trait that we fundamentally lack, and instead start by being who we already are by identifying our giftedness and living it out. 

Our gifts and talents all come from the hand of almighty God. We can’t claim them as our own, as if we created or designed them by ancestry or practice… We acknowledge our true selves when we appreciate the way that God made us.”

Honestly, I don’t think I’m there yet. Years of fearing failure and being a people pleaser have made my inner world a little messy at times. But, Saturday morning was a really rich and powerful time in my journey of spiritual formation. 

Which got me thinking about how I can do this for others. I want to give this same gift to the people in my life. To be a finder of beauty in others and to help them name it. 

Because I don’t think I’m alone in struggling to always see it in myself.