Sitting with Grammy

My sweet Grammy’s 95-year-old body is finally starting to really falter. Always active and self-sufficient, it hasn’t been easy for her to be forced into a position of depending on others and questioning if life still has value when you can’t DO much. Who among us doesn’t try to avoid those questions with every fiber of our beings? 

I remember clearly the first time that I realized that she wasn’t invincible. It was the day she told me she couldn’t golf anymore because of the arthritis in her hands. I remember being both saddened but also sort of pissed off by it. What was this thing called aging that was stealing away her abilities? 

I’ve watched her give up driving. Give up getting her hands in the dirt to plant flowers every Spring. Give up running her own errands and doing the laundry. Give up cleaning her own house the way she wants to. Give up getting her white hair done every other Friday. Give up seeing her pal Ella at church every Sunday. Give up writing letters to her bajillion grandchildren. Even give up being able to get her own dang glass of water. At every step it has been a mixed bag of emotions for me. Grief, joy, anger. 

She is so dear to me that I have often wondered what God is doing in this season. She has been ready to go “home” to be with Him for a couple of years now. Ready to be free and in His presence, fully known and loved without the shackles of sin. A few days ago, I sat with her in the stillness of their den. We didn’t talk much. I mostly held her hand and fed her ice chips. And I reflected on the whys of this season, asking the Lord not to tarry too much longer in taking her. 

Why does He keep letting age take things she loves from her? Why doesn’t He just come for her? Why does He wait when she is so ready? 

I don’t know His mind or pretend to understand the orchestrations of the God of the Universe. The One who is both preeminent and yet intensely personal. I don’t understand His timing. And, frankly, I don’t need to because I can trust His character. I trust what I know to be true about Him. His love and mercy and grace toward a broken and rebellious world. His tenderness toward the weak and forgotten ones. His creative attention to detail. His ability to always judge rightly. 

So, I’ll leave being God to Him. But, even in the midst of my questions, I will certainly admit that I can see some of the beautiful things He has been doing since my Grammy started getting more frail – little clues to remind me that He’s got this. 

• I can see it my grandparents’ marriage. My Grandad has always been an impressive man, worthy of respect and admiration. But, my love of him has grown exponentially over the last couple of years. The way he is serving my Grammy in this season … it’s breathtaking. He is being so like his Lord right now. I think maybe even moreso than when he was teaching church history and reading Sproul (though he does those things well too). As for her part, she is reveling in his care for her.

• I can see it when I slow down to sit and just hold her hand. In the stillness. The other day, I was sharing with her about my advent readings from that week – about how Christmas is just the beginning and that Jesus will come back as our Bridegroom. How He’ll scoop up His Bride and have a great feast for her. Grammy hadn’t spoken much that visit. But, the smile that played across her face in that moment… well, I would have missed it in my usual busyness. But, today, I was still and quiet and reflective. And I joined her in a powerful moment of anticipation. 

• I can see it in the way my aunts who live in the area have taken to caring for her so that she can have her wish of staying at home as long as possible. It’s been something I have treasured as I have watched it play out. A WW2 nurse, wife, mom, grandma and great-grandma, she has spent a good bit of her life caring for others… now, her children rise up to call her blessed and spend their hours caring for her. 

• I can see it in the way she prays. A year or so ago, she told me that she couldn’t do much anymore, so she’d turn her attention to praying more. I know she prays faithfully for all of us and that her prayers are like incense to our Lord. How He must delight in hearing from her as she cares for all of her people! 

I’m sure there are other things. Things that God is doing at this very moment to bring beauty to this phase of our story as we all prepare to send her home. Things unseen that He is working. But I will take these few things and ponder them, rolling them over in my mind until they are like a smooth stone that I can use to raise my own Ebenezer. All the while trusting the One whose promises are always Yes and Amen.