Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

The Smell of Forgiveness

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I see you there, Peter. Mulling over the last few weeks. Looking at each memory like small stones in your hand. Turning them over and trying to make sense of them. Nothing was quite like you expected, was it? He didn’t kick Rome out and take His rightful place as ruler. Instead, He turned all the religious systems on their head. He reinterpreted the most sacred of your celebrations. He talked about laying down His life. The Rabbi washed YOUR feet. He went willingly when they came for Him in the darkness. He wouldn’t even let you fight for Him. How do you make sense of all these moments? I see you trying to recall everything and put the pieces together into some sort of mosaic for your memories.

But, that’s not all is it? There’s also the shame you’re feeling. You’re beating yourself up, aren’t you? You’re wishing you would have stayed awake in the garden when He asked you to keep watch. Maybe you would have seen Judas coming. And then there’s the charcoal fire… every time you get a whiff of it, it reminds you of that moment when you insisted you didn’t know Him… for the third time that night. And He locked eyes with you as the rooster crowed. Oh the bitter weeping that followed that fateful moment. The regret and the sorrow. The hiding. You feel foolish now – all your promises of sticking by Him no matter what seem rather childish.

To make matters even more confusing, He’s not in the grave anymore. He’s risen! What to make of that? You’ve seen Him briefly a time or two. But, it’s not the same as before. It’s not even the same as when He raised Lazarus. His body is different now. And He’s not living among you, walking the dusty streets and talking to the people.

The truth is, you’re just not sure what to do. If He did walk the streets, would He even still want you? How could He? You said you didn’t even know Him. And ran away. You had to hear about His final moments from the women. They stayed until the bitter end and helped prepare His body for the borrowed tomb. They were faithful… now you’re asking yourself why you weren’t there with them? So much regret.

What to do with all these memories? All these questions? All these emotions and the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” that are plaguing your heart? It’s too much. So you’re doing the thing you know best… back on the water for some fishing. I see you there in the boat, trying to occupy your mind with something else. Trying to busy your hands so don’t have to deal with the shame and confusion. I see you, because I’ve done it myself. A thousand times. Cleaning the house with extra vigor so I don’t have to deal with my sin and the ensuing shame. Turning to something you can DO because if feels like you have no control at all over the gaping hole in your soul.

What you don’t know, Peter, is that He’s about to reinterpret that charcoal fire and associate it with a new memory. He’s on the shore waiting for you. He’s going to fill your nets to overflowing just like the good old days. And, He’s going to invite you… “Come have breakfast.” And packed behind that simple phrase is the balm that will heal your soul. He still wants you, Peter. He didn’t make a mistake when He renamed you. And He really is going to build His church on your testimony. But, for now, He just wants to sit with you and have breakfast. To reassure you that your story isn’t finished yet. To ask you three times around the charcoal fire – “Peter, do you love me? Of course you know I do, Lord”. This specific exchange three times around a charcoal fire is no accident. ‘Tis mercy all. And as you bask in His agape love and forgiveness, you’ll be reminded that you really do love Him. That it wasn’t all some big mistake. You’ll be known there around that charcoal fire and you’ll let Him take all that shame and regret. And you’ll never be the same after that.

In fact, one day you’ll pen these words for those of us who will come behind you:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

And we’ll take great comfort from them – in part because we know you know all about His great mercy and being called into a living hope.

I see you there, Peter. And I’m so glad God saw fit to tell us your story because our own stories need it. We need your story to inform our own shame and regret. To show us what forgiveness and transformation can look like.

Look up, Peter. He’s there waiting to have breakfast with you. Oh, and you, too, Shan.

9 Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now

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To say that we’re living in a challenging season is the quintessential understatement. 2020 has been taxing in so many ways. Now, we are eight months in to the COVID-19 pandemic and there is no clear end in sight with much division about what should be done. Here in the US, racial issues still bubble in the background as my friends of color continue to suffer various levels of injustice. And, the presidential election should have been over a week ago but it still lingers in the courts. Meanwhile, the various media feed fear and uncertainty instead of bringing clarity. And that doesn’t even touch some of the personal hardships I’m walking through with friends right now. I can feel the weariness of it all creeping into my bones at times. The brain fog making it so hard to stay focused – even the smallest decisions seem crippling these days! The grouchiness in my heart when I have to let go of things beyond my control. The despair when I see the constant bickering on social media. The anxiety in my chest that feels like a trapped animal trying to get out. Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

A peacemaker and an empath, I am tempted to numb it by hiding because engaging is just too much for me. And, while it may be too much for me, the truth is that it’s not too much for God’s Spirit in me. He is not threatened or surprised by all that is happening in our world today. He is at work – strengthening, empowering, and giving good gifts to His children.

To embrace that truth and beat back some of the heaviness, I thought I’d share some of His good gifts that are saving me right now. Over the last year, I’ve been cultivating various disciplines in my life to help me “notice and name” things. (Much of these practices come from things I have gleaned from Emily P. Freeman, author and podcaster of The Next Right Thing.) Emily loves to make lists. And not just the “to-do” kind; but the reflective kind. This particular list she borrowed from Barbara Brown Taylor who once spoke on the topic: “Tell us what is saving your life right now.”

It’s a good question. Our tendency is to focus on the things that are hard – especially during a season like this one! But most of us don’t pay much attention to those things that are giving us hope and life and joy – maybe because we take them for granted?

Emily’s practice is to revisit this question from time to time and… make a list. I’ve followed her example and started keeping a running list of the things that are saving my life right now. Some of them are light, easy things. Some of them are very practical things. Some are deeper, heart-level things. Whatever they are, these are some of the things that are bringing me life right now. I share them with you to see if any of them might resonate with you or inspire you. Maybe just making the list inspires you even if you never do any of these specific things. Or maybe some of these things would bless you too? I’ll trust the Lord to do whatever He wants with it.

Here’s my list of nine things. Not 10 or eight. Just nine:

The Rabbit Room – The Rabbit Room was started by one of my favorite musicians, Andrew Peterson. It fosters Christ-centered community and spiritual formation through music, story, and art. One of its offerings is a Facebook group where the members celebrate and encourage these things. I toy with leaving FB all together but this group is one of the reasons I stay – for now anyway.

My Autumn Spotify playlist – Author Myquillyn Smith (also known as The Nester) says that “music is the salt and pepper of a home.” In her most recent book, Welcome Home, she talks about the power of creating an experience in your home – one that utilizes the Five Senses. She feels strongly about sound – especially music and all that it evokes. She creates playlists for various seasons and activities. She inspired me to do the same. Truth be told, several of the songs on MY autumn playlist came from hers.

Baking – Also a nod to the five senses, baking speaks warmth and safety to me. The smells, the tastes, the process, the ingredients, the creativity. Personally, the fact that I start with real (non GMO) ingredients and not pre-made or boxed mixes is part of the experience; so I do that. On my list of homemade items so far this Fall: banana bread, cinnamon chip pancakes, beer bread, artisan breads, corn bread, apple cookies, pumpkin cookies, and apple crumble.

Soups and Stews – Similar to baking, these make my soul happy, fill up my senses, and take care of my family. My slow cooker is very busy during the colder months. And, of course, soups are best served with bread. So, bonus points. You can find many of my recipes by becoming my friend on Plan to Eat. Or sometimes, I post them here under the This & That category.

99 Walks – 99 walks is a community of women getting healthier and happier by completing a virtual, monthly walking challenge. For a small monthly fee, I have access to an app, online fitness classes, accountability, and encouragement. For every month that I meet or exceed my goal, I get a bracelet with a monthly inspiration engraved on it. I already loved walking but the accountability has helped me immensely.

Candles – Especially soy with either faint scents or no scents at all. I like them for the ambiance mostly. The ones with the wooden wicks are my faves because of the sound they make when they burn.

The Women’s Bible Study at my church – I don’t know where to begin. Everything about it brings me joy. The women themselves. The hunger to grow. The teachable spirit. The glory of our good God on display. Walking through a book of the Bible every semester – the timing of studying 1 Samuel couldn’t have been better.

Limiting my social media – I am finding that social media is not a healthy space for me. Especially Facebook and Twitter. They suck my time and leave me feeling gross. Just toxic mostly. If I could find a way to replace the Groups on FB, I’d be gone already. I do find Instagram to be a much more encouraging space for now. But, I really have to limit all of it if I want to stay healthy emotionally and spiritually. And when I am on social media, I have to be very intentional.

This quote by Dr. James Bryan Smith: “I am one in whom Christ delights and dwells. I live in the strong and unshakeable kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble and neither am I.” I’ve loved this quote for years but it seems especially important these days. (The story behind the quote is on Emily’s podcast here.)

What about you? What is saving your life right now? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Your ideas might inspire me or other readers to some new life saving ideas.

Have I Ever Introduced You to Emily?

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Have you ever had one of those experiences where you read a line from a book or heard a speaker say something and it just resonated? Like you felt like they were saying the thing you’ve been trying to say but couldn’t quite put to words? And when they said it, your heart sort of leaped? And then you became certain that if you ever got to meet said person in real life, that you’d be bosom friends? As in the Anne of Green Gables kind of bosom friends?

That’s how I feel about Emily P. Freeman. I started reading her stuff years ago. It must have been back when blogging was just getting popular. I think I even heard her speak at a blog conference during that period. Something about the way she expresses things just resonates with me. I like her insight, her way with words, her humility, and her warmth. I like that she weaves words together well but that she’s not extra wordy. That she is studied but not stuffy. I like that she knows Jesus as Lord, of course, but also as friend. I think there’s a real intimacy in her relationship with Him that is attractive. I also like that she knows she has valuable stuff to offer the world but that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Many are the podcast episodes in which she pokes fun at herself.

The best way to sum it up is probably to say that, when I read her blog or one of her books or listen to her podcast, I leave refreshed. Like I just took in a bit of fresh air.

Her podcast (The Next Right Thing) this week about COVID-19 was about naming the things we’re feeling during this time. In my humble opinion is was a perfect message for this unsettling season – better than any encouragement I could give you myself. I’d love it if you go over and give it a listen. Her podcasts release every Tuesday and are always short (10 to 15 minutes). They are both reflective and practical. I think you’ll find this week’s well worth your time… and, let’s be honest, what else are you doing? You could use the break from binge watching Netflix, right?

Let me just wet your whistle with this thought from her yesterday…

In this time of uncertainty, it’s okay to grieve the endings even though others may have it a lot worse. This is a time to name the places where we are beginning, middling and ending, and then to allow others the space to do the same… This is not the time to look too far into the future or try to predict outcomes. This is not a time to think in terms of months or weeks or even days. This is a time to name what remains unnamed within us and then to ask ourselves, what is our next right thing in the next 10 minutes? – Emily P. Freeman

I love her permission to name the things. And her wisdom on how best to do that.

If you find that you enjoy her tone and perspective as much as I do, her book The Next Right Thing is free right now in ebook form if you have Amazon Prime.

Here’s the link to the podcast episode that I quoted above : The Next Right Thing Podcast, Episode 120. You can also subscribe to it in all the usual ways if you’d rather listen to it on your phone. I listen to it “on the regular”.

Searching for New Normals During a Pandemic

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I’ve settled on my intention. I’m trying for some sense of normal. Get out of bed when the alarm goes off at its usual time. Find the scrunchie and pull the hair back. Slide on the slippers (the cute owl ones that I love). Stumble groggy up the dark hall. Light the candle on the dining room table. Start the soft piano music to fill the background. Unload the dishwasher. Change out the hand towel and the wash cloth. Hear the soft click of the gas lighting as I warm the kettle. Load the tea pot for me and the french press for him. Feed the dog. Check my weather app to see if I’ll be able to get a walk in.

Normal. That’s what I’m going for here.

As I move about the kitchen, my mind wanders. I feel a tinge of bitterness rise up like bile in my soul as I embrace the truth that things really aren’t normal. At all. I remember that our fam is supposed to be on a Spring Break in Florida this week. That little sliver of bitterness is just enough. A crack is all it needed and now the door is flung wide open. Next, I’m recalling last night’s reports about the stimulus bickering on Capital Hill. And then I’m worrying about my sweet friend’s recent Facebook live post and hoping she’ll be OK. From there, I’m waxing poetic (inwardly) about how much I hate the guilt-inducing virus memes and the skewed information in articles and posts online. And then back to worry… “is everyone OK? Why haven’t I heard back from my friend in Rome? I hate that mom and dad live 12 hours away. Is my MIL’s asthma putting her at higher risk? Is my Grandad lonely over there in that big house? Will my friend’s immune system cope with this?”

Welp. I wanted normal. And, if I’m not careful, this part is normal too. This tendency toward bitterness, worry, and stress is always lurking there in the shadows. THOSE neuropathways are well-worn in this old brain.

So I pour the tea and head to a cozy spot. The house is still quiet… because, well, things actually aren’t normal and the teenagers aren’t up and headed out for their normal days. Who really knows when they’ll be up – could be 10 minutes, could be two hours. Because… yeah, nothing’s normal. Except, evidently, my old, sinful nature! So… back to finding a cozy spot before I start getting bitter about the not knowing.

In the quiet, I admit that I don’t have the mental energy to go to Jeremiah – my original plan for lenten reading when I was all inspired back in February. Instead, I return to a familiar passage from Paul’s letter to the Philippians. I taught it just a few weeks ago. Who knew that we’d all need it so badly just a few days later?

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

At that, I am calmed. This is how I build a new neuropathway. By renewing my mind with truth instead of staying stuck on the pathway that leads to inward destruction. I forge new connections, traveling a newer pathway that is really the most ancient pathway of all.

Oh, peace of God. Spirit of the Living God, come stand like a sentry over my heart and mind. Guard it like a prized possession – your treasure. Help me turn to you moment by moment, letting YOU and YOUR peace stand vigilant over my thoughts, emotions, passions, and desires. Thank you that I don’t have the burden of working harder to do the guarding all by myself. I don’t have to muster joy out of my own being. I just have to come to you. To let my thoughts dwell on you: YOU are true. YOU are honorable. YOU are just… not like our politicians but always exactly just. YOU are pure… there is no blemish in you; no sliver of bitterness rising up like bile. YOU are lovely… so lovely that I can barely take it in. YOU are commendable… in every way. Crowd out the old ways with Your presence and bring me back to this quiet mental space often, Lord. Nothing else will suffice. Make this my new normal. Amen and amen.