Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

The Smell of Forgiveness

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I see you there, Peter. Mulling over the last few weeks. Looking at each memory like small stones in your hand. Turning them over and trying to make sense of them. Nothing was quite like you expected, was it? He didn’t kick Rome out and take His rightful place as ruler. Instead, He turned all the religious systems on their head. He reinterpreted the most sacred of your celebrations. He talked about laying down His life. The Rabbi washed YOUR feet. He went willingly when they came for Him in the darkness. He wouldn’t even let you fight for Him. How do you make sense of all these moments? I see you trying to recall everything and put the pieces together into some sort of mosaic for your memories.

But, that’s not all is it? There’s also the shame you’re feeling. You’re beating yourself up, aren’t you? You’re wishing you would have stayed awake in the garden when He asked you to keep watch. Maybe you would have seen Judas coming. And then there’s the charcoal fire… every time you get a whiff of it, it reminds you of that moment when you insisted you didn’t know Him… for the third time that night. And He locked eyes with you as the rooster crowed. Oh the bitter weeping that followed that fateful moment. The regret and the sorrow. The hiding. You feel foolish now – all your promises of sticking by Him no matter what seem rather childish.

To make matters even more confusing, He’s not in the grave anymore. He’s risen! What to make of that? You’ve seen Him briefly a time or two. But, it’s not the same as before. It’s not even the same as when He raised Lazarus. His body is different now. And He’s not living among you, walking the dusty streets and talking to the people.

The truth is, you’re just not sure what to do. If He did walk the streets, would He even still want you? How could He? You said you didn’t even know Him. And ran away. You had to hear about His final moments from the women. They stayed until the bitter end and helped prepare His body for the borrowed tomb. They were faithful… now you’re asking yourself why you weren’t there with them? So much regret.

What to do with all these memories? All these questions? All these emotions and the “coulda, woulda, shouldas” that are plaguing your heart? It’s too much. So you’re doing the thing you know best… back on the water for some fishing. I see you there in the boat, trying to occupy your mind with something else. Trying to busy your hands so don’t have to deal with the shame and confusion. I see you, because I’ve done it myself. A thousand times. Cleaning the house with extra vigor so I don’t have to deal with my sin and the ensuing shame. Turning to something you can DO because if feels like you have no control at all over the gaping hole in your soul.

What you don’t know, Peter, is that He’s about to reinterpret that charcoal fire and associate it with a new memory. He’s on the shore waiting for you. He’s going to fill your nets to overflowing just like the good old days. And, He’s going to invite you… “Come have breakfast.” And packed behind that simple phrase is the balm that will heal your soul. He still wants you, Peter. He didn’t make a mistake when He renamed you. And He really is going to build His church on your testimony. But, for now, He just wants to sit with you and have breakfast. To reassure you that your story isn’t finished yet. To ask you three times around the charcoal fire – “Peter, do you love me? Of course you know I do, Lord”. This specific exchange three times around a charcoal fire is no accident. ‘Tis mercy all. And as you bask in His agape love and forgiveness, you’ll be reminded that you really do love Him. That it wasn’t all some big mistake. You’ll be known there around that charcoal fire and you’ll let Him take all that shame and regret. And you’ll never be the same after that.

In fact, one day you’ll pen these words for those of us who will come behind you:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

And we’ll take great comfort from them – in part because we know you know all about His great mercy and being called into a living hope.

I see you there, Peter. And I’m so glad God saw fit to tell us your story because our own stories need it. We need your story to inform our own shame and regret. To show us what forgiveness and transformation can look like.

Look up, Peter. He’s there waiting to have breakfast with you. Oh, and you, too, Shan.

Permission to Name the Tensions and Sit in Them

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Caleb moved out last month. It was a good moving out. It was time. He’s in a good place in life – really growing into the man we knew he’d become. He has an ideal living situation. He’s learning to manage work, friends, involvement in his church, and finishing school; we’re thrilled to see him navigating those things well.

So, we knew moving out would help him flourish. He knew it too. We all agreed it was time. We planned for it. Discussed it. Helped him think through all of the things. Set a date.

We knew in both head and heart that it was time. But, you know, Rick and I (ok, mostly me) still cried a bit when we talked about it and prayed for him. Every once in a while, we questioned it and wondered if we should push the timetable back.

But we didn’t. We stuck with the plan that all three of us agreed was best. And it’s been such a good decision. He’s rocking it and really rising to the extra weight of responsibility. And, to be honest, having one less person in the house does simplify some things (and make the leftovers last longer!). So, we’re all embracing this new season.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t been a little bit melancholy at times. Like when I found this pile that had somehow survived all the toy purges and was still in his room.

Or when we sat down for Chef Rick night and he couldn’t come because of work. Or when we walk by his room and know he’s not in it anymore. Or when Madison has no one to raid the pantry with late at night. Or when Taco the Dog has to find a new napping spot because his bed isn’t there for her.

It’s been a sweet transition – I haven’t even cried much. And, yet, it’s been a little bit bitter too.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions about things. When change comes or people disappoint you or you have to make a hard decision about the people in your life or you leave one job for another or you find yourself celebrating special occasions in new ways because of COVID-19… Whatever you’re facing right now, I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions. Life is not always so cut-and-dried. Few life events are either all good or all bad. Most of them are nuanced and complicated. And sometimes we feel like we should know exactly what to do with all that nuance. Like we should have it all mastered.

But, we usually don’t so we fake it. Or we shove some of the emotions down. Or we go along to get along. Can I just give you permission to sit in competing emotions? To feel both happy and sad as you look back on 2020. Has it given us some gifts like slowing down and simplifying gatherings? Have we learned that we can have beautiful, meaning-filled weddings without having a blowout reception? Have we rediscovered things like hiking and being outside? Have we learned that being at home has its positives? Have some of us returned to creative pursuits like reading or sewing or making art? Have we learned to appreciate hugs and gathering with friends at new levels because of their absence? Have we learned that we don’t actually WANT to lose our small businesses? Have we learned that we have hard but worthy work to do in the area of racial reconciliation? Yes. All of those things are good things from 2020.

But this season has also been incredibly draining and difficult. It has been hurtful. It has been polarizing. It has been fearful. Mental health issues and suicide are at a high. Alcohol sales are up. Worthy groups like AA have stopped meeting and giving out their coins. Celebrations have been hampered. People have died in nursing homes – because of loneliness not COVID. Families who need in-home care for a loved one have been abandoned. We can’t SEE each other and we have to shout to our cashiers. Small businesses are barely hanging on – which means that the families behind them are struggling to pay their bills. Many shops and restaurants are just gone, leaving us with the big box stores only. Children are sitting in front of computer screens ALL DAY. Arguments on social media are more divisive and hurtful than ever. Some people have died from an illness we didn’t even know about a year ago. Foster care and domestic abuse cases are harder to document because being shut up at home isn’t safe and cozy for everyone. Relationships are feeling the weight of all these pressures. And IT IS HARD.

We hold these things in tension. The good AND the hard. I want to encourage you to name them both. To acknowledge all the nuances and feelings. Don’t just stuff them or dismiss them because they don’t fit into a neat package. The longer I live and the more I study the Bible, the more convinced I am that very few situations fit neatly into columns labeled “good” or “bad”. Most things in this broken world are a mixed bag. Nuanced. The person you love most in the world has his or her dark side. Some of your happiest memories had moments of stress or disappointment woven into them.

It’s OK to acknowledge and feel both. Hold them in tension. Let God work through both to shape you more into the likeness of His breathtaking Son. Can we let Him do that work as we reflect on 2020 and move further into 2021?

You really can linger over the pile of green, army guys with melancholy AND cheer him on in his new adventure at the same time. Welcome both emotions in, name them, and give them back to God knowing that He who holds them is trustworthy and purely, truly good.

9 Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now

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To say that we’re living in a challenging season is the quintessential understatement. 2020 has been taxing in so many ways. Now, we are eight months in to the COVID-19 pandemic and there is no clear end in sight with much division about what should be done. Here in the US, racial issues still bubble in the background as my friends of color continue to suffer various levels of injustice. And, the presidential election should have been over a week ago but it still lingers in the courts. Meanwhile, the various media feed fear and uncertainty instead of bringing clarity. And that doesn’t even touch some of the personal hardships I’m walking through with friends right now. I can feel the weariness of it all creeping into my bones at times. The brain fog making it so hard to stay focused – even the smallest decisions seem crippling these days! The grouchiness in my heart when I have to let go of things beyond my control. The despair when I see the constant bickering on social media. The anxiety in my chest that feels like a trapped animal trying to get out. Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

A peacemaker and an empath, I am tempted to numb it by hiding because engaging is just too much for me. And, while it may be too much for me, the truth is that it’s not too much for God’s Spirit in me. He is not threatened or surprised by all that is happening in our world today. He is at work – strengthening, empowering, and giving good gifts to His children.

To embrace that truth and beat back some of the heaviness, I thought I’d share some of His good gifts that are saving me right now. Over the last year, I’ve been cultivating various disciplines in my life to help me “notice and name” things. (Much of these practices come from things I have gleaned from Emily P. Freeman, author and podcaster of The Next Right Thing.) Emily loves to make lists. And not just the “to-do” kind; but the reflective kind. This particular list she borrowed from Barbara Brown Taylor who once spoke on the topic: “Tell us what is saving your life right now.”

It’s a good question. Our tendency is to focus on the things that are hard – especially during a season like this one! But most of us don’t pay much attention to those things that are giving us hope and life and joy – maybe because we take them for granted?

Emily’s practice is to revisit this question from time to time and… make a list. I’ve followed her example and started keeping a running list of the things that are saving my life right now. Some of them are light, easy things. Some of them are very practical things. Some are deeper, heart-level things. Whatever they are, these are some of the things that are bringing me life right now. I share them with you to see if any of them might resonate with you or inspire you. Maybe just making the list inspires you even if you never do any of these specific things. Or maybe some of these things would bless you too? I’ll trust the Lord to do whatever He wants with it.

Here’s my list of nine things. Not 10 or eight. Just nine:

The Rabbit Room – The Rabbit Room was started by one of my favorite musicians, Andrew Peterson. It fosters Christ-centered community and spiritual formation through music, story, and art. One of its offerings is a Facebook group where the members celebrate and encourage these things. I toy with leaving FB all together but this group is one of the reasons I stay – for now anyway.

My Autumn Spotify playlist – Author Myquillyn Smith (also known as The Nester) says that “music is the salt and pepper of a home.” In her most recent book, Welcome Home, she talks about the power of creating an experience in your home – one that utilizes the Five Senses. She feels strongly about sound – especially music and all that it evokes. She creates playlists for various seasons and activities. She inspired me to do the same. Truth be told, several of the songs on MY autumn playlist came from hers.

Baking – Also a nod to the five senses, baking speaks warmth and safety to me. The smells, the tastes, the process, the ingredients, the creativity. Personally, the fact that I start with real (non GMO) ingredients and not pre-made or boxed mixes is part of the experience; so I do that. On my list of homemade items so far this Fall: banana bread, cinnamon chip pancakes, beer bread, artisan breads, corn bread, apple cookies, pumpkin cookies, and apple crumble.

Soups and Stews – Similar to baking, these make my soul happy, fill up my senses, and take care of my family. My slow cooker is very busy during the colder months. And, of course, soups are best served with bread. So, bonus points. You can find many of my recipes by becoming my friend on Plan to Eat. Or sometimes, I post them here under the This & That category.

99 Walks – 99 walks is a community of women getting healthier and happier by completing a virtual, monthly walking challenge. For a small monthly fee, I have access to an app, online fitness classes, accountability, and encouragement. For every month that I meet or exceed my goal, I get a bracelet with a monthly inspiration engraved on it. I already loved walking but the accountability has helped me immensely.

Candles – Especially soy with either faint scents or no scents at all. I like them for the ambiance mostly. The ones with the wooden wicks are my faves because of the sound they make when they burn.

The Women’s Bible Study at my church – I don’t know where to begin. Everything about it brings me joy. The women themselves. The hunger to grow. The teachable spirit. The glory of our good God on display. Walking through a book of the Bible every semester – the timing of studying 1 Samuel couldn’t have been better.

Limiting my social media – I am finding that social media is not a healthy space for me. Especially Facebook and Twitter. They suck my time and leave me feeling gross. Just toxic mostly. If I could find a way to replace the Groups on FB, I’d be gone already. I do find Instagram to be a much more encouraging space for now. But, I really have to limit all of it if I want to stay healthy emotionally and spiritually. And when I am on social media, I have to be very intentional.

This quote by Dr. James Bryan Smith: “I am one in whom Christ delights and dwells. I live in the strong and unshakeable kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble and neither am I.” I’ve loved this quote for years but it seems especially important these days. (The story behind the quote is on Emily’s podcast here.)

What about you? What is saving your life right now? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Your ideas might inspire me or other readers to some new life saving ideas.

Have I Ever Introduced You to Emily?

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Have you ever had one of those experiences where you read a line from a book or heard a speaker say something and it just resonated? Like you felt like they were saying the thing you’ve been trying to say but couldn’t quite put to words? And when they said it, your heart sort of leaped? And then you became certain that if you ever got to meet said person in real life, that you’d be bosom friends? As in the Anne of Green Gables kind of bosom friends?

That’s how I feel about Emily P. Freeman. I started reading her stuff years ago. It must have been back when blogging was just getting popular. I think I even heard her speak at a blog conference during that period. Something about the way she expresses things just resonates with me. I like her insight, her way with words, her humility, and her warmth. I like that she weaves words together well but that she’s not extra wordy. That she is studied but not stuffy. I like that she knows Jesus as Lord, of course, but also as friend. I think there’s a real intimacy in her relationship with Him that is attractive. I also like that she knows she has valuable stuff to offer the world but that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Many are the podcast episodes in which she pokes fun at herself.

The best way to sum it up is probably to say that, when I read her blog or one of her books or listen to her podcast, I leave refreshed. Like I just took in a bit of fresh air.

Her podcast (The Next Right Thing) this week about COVID-19 was about naming the things we’re feeling during this time. In my humble opinion is was a perfect message for this unsettling season – better than any encouragement I could give you myself. I’d love it if you go over and give it a listen. Her podcasts release every Tuesday and are always short (10 to 15 minutes). They are both reflective and practical. I think you’ll find this week’s well worth your time… and, let’s be honest, what else are you doing? You could use the break from binge watching Netflix, right?

Let me just wet your whistle with this thought from her yesterday…

In this time of uncertainty, it’s okay to grieve the endings even though others may have it a lot worse. This is a time to name the places where we are beginning, middling and ending, and then to allow others the space to do the same… This is not the time to look too far into the future or try to predict outcomes. This is not a time to think in terms of months or weeks or even days. This is a time to name what remains unnamed within us and then to ask ourselves, what is our next right thing in the next 10 minutes? – Emily P. Freeman

I love her permission to name the things. And her wisdom on how best to do that.

If you find that you enjoy her tone and perspective as much as I do, her book The Next Right Thing is free right now in ebook form if you have Amazon Prime.

Here’s the link to the podcast episode that I quoted above : The Next Right Thing Podcast, Episode 120. You can also subscribe to it in all the usual ways if you’d rather listen to it on your phone. I listen to it “on the regular”.