Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

Permission to Name the Tensions and Sit in Them

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Caleb moved out last month. It was a good moving out. It was time. He’s in a good place in life – really growing into the man we knew he’d become. He has an ideal living situation. He’s learning to manage work, friends, involvement in his church, and finishing school; we’re thrilled to see him navigating those things well.

So, we knew moving out would help him flourish. He knew it too. We all agreed it was time. We planned for it. Discussed it. Helped him think through all of the things. Set a date.

We knew in both head and heart that it was time. But, you know, Rick and I (ok, mostly me) still cried a bit when we talked about it and prayed for him. Every once in a while, we questioned it and wondered if we should push the timetable back.

But we didn’t. We stuck with the plan that all three of us agreed was best. And it’s been such a good decision. He’s rocking it and really rising to the extra weight of responsibility. And, to be honest, having one less person in the house does simplify some things (and make the leftovers last longer!). So, we’re all embracing this new season.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t been a little bit melancholy at times. Like when I found this pile that had somehow survived all the toy purges and was still in his room.

Or when we sat down for Chef Rick night and he couldn’t come because of work. Or when we walk by his room and know he’s not in it anymore. Or when Madison has no one to raid the pantry with late at night. Or when Taco the Dog has to find a new napping spot because his bed isn’t there for her.

It’s been a sweet transition – I haven’t even cried much. And, yet, it’s been a little bit bitter too.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions about things. When change comes or people disappoint you or you have to make a hard decision about the people in your life or you leave one job for another or you find yourself celebrating special occasions in new ways because of COVID-19… Whatever you’re facing right now, I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions. Life is not always so cut-and-dried. Few life events are either all good or all bad. Most of them are nuanced and complicated. And sometimes we feel like we should know exactly what to do with all that nuance. Like we should have it all mastered.

But, we usually don’t so we fake it. Or we shove some of the emotions down. Or we go along to get along. Can I just give you permission to sit in competing emotions? To feel both happy and sad as you look back on 2020. Has it given us some gifts like slowing down and simplifying gatherings? Have we learned that we can have beautiful, meaning-filled weddings without having a blowout reception? Have we rediscovered things like hiking and being outside? Have we learned that being at home has its positives? Have some of us returned to creative pursuits like reading or sewing or making art? Have we learned to appreciate hugs and gathering with friends at new levels because of their absence? Have we learned that we don’t actually WANT to lose our small businesses? Have we learned that we have hard but worthy work to do in the area of racial reconciliation? Yes. All of those things are good things from 2020.

But this season has also been incredibly draining and difficult. It has been hurtful. It has been polarizing. It has been fearful. Mental health issues and suicide are at a high. Alcohol sales are up. Worthy groups like AA have stopped meeting and giving out their coins. Celebrations have been hampered. People have died in nursing homes – because of loneliness not COVID. Families who need in-home care for a loved one have been abandoned. We can’t SEE each other and we have to shout to our cashiers. Small businesses are barely hanging on – which means that the families behind them are struggling to pay their bills. Many shops and restaurants are just gone, leaving us with the big box stores only. Children are sitting in front of computer screens ALL DAY. Arguments on social media are more divisive and hurtful than ever. Some people have died from an illness we didn’t even know about a year ago. Foster care and domestic abuse cases are harder to document because being shut up at home isn’t safe and cozy for everyone. Relationships are feeling the weight of all these pressures. And IT IS HARD.

We hold these things in tension. The good AND the hard. I want to encourage you to name them both. To acknowledge all the nuances and feelings. Don’t just stuff them or dismiss them because they don’t fit into a neat package. The longer I live and the more I study the Bible, the more convinced I am that very few situations fit neatly into columns labeled “good” or “bad”. Most things in this broken world are a mixed bag. Nuanced. The person you love most in the world has his or her dark side. Some of your happiest memories had moments of stress or disappointment woven into them.

It’s OK to acknowledge and feel both. Hold them in tension. Let God work through both to shape you more into the likeness of His breathtaking Son. Can we let Him do that work as we reflect on 2020 and move further into 2021?

You really can linger over the pile of green, army guys with melancholy AND cheer him on in his new adventure at the same time. Welcome both emotions in, name them, and give them back to God knowing that He who holds them is trustworthy and purely, truly good.

My Lament and an Exhortation to a Better Way

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My heart is heavy today. I am deeply and profoundly concerned about the tone I see on social media right now. Friends, we are NOT following Jesus during this tumultuous time. Plain and simple.

In a thread this week, I saw one of our RC leaders get called an a$$hole and a piece of sh1t because he asked a question in response to an article related to a protest and a gun issue. In another thread, I was compared to a drunk driver because I don’t wear a mask 100% of the time in public spaces. In another thread, I saw a black woman get told that the civil rights movement was over and that she should basically quit whining and get on with life. I have heard of people legit leaving their churches because of the way George Floyd or COVID was handled by church leadership. I follow The Gospel Coalition on FB and I am shocked at the comment threads below the articles lately – sometimes about things as small as which movie should be included in a list that the blog author had created!! I read one post recently – thinly veiled but clearly directed at a local pastor – that was snarky in tone. In most of these cases, there is no face to face conversation. There is no listening or sharing concerns. No teachability or willingness to reconsider. There is no valuing each other with dignity and honor as fellow heirs of the grace of life.

All of what I mentioned above are in CHRISTIAN contexts. We’re not talking about the world here. We’re talking about the church. We’re talking about Christians who are so eager to make their point on debatable issues (as opposed to gospel issues) that they are willing to violate the clear teaching of Scripture and treat a brother or sister in Christ poorly. Instead of grace and love and mercy, I see haughtiness and pride and unbending. I see condescending assumptions/tones being made all over the place. I see sin. Friends, this ought not be.

I believe that Satan is using this unique time to divide and splinter and scar the Body of Christ. RC is just one part of His Body. But, before COVID-19 hit, we were a vibrant, growing church. Not a perfect church by any means. A church full of messy people and flawed leaders. But there was joy and calling and a clear sense of God’s activity among us. We were about His kingdom and in it together. By God’s grace, so far much of that is still true. We are still a growing church and there is much love when we are together. But, I fear that politics, COVID, and culture wars are becoming the focus among our people.

You see, because we’re not together in person very often anymore, we’re not believing the best about each other. When we argue with someone on FB on Friday but then see them juggling their kids and/or foster kids as they tromp into church on Sunday, we remember that we actually really love them and appreciate so many things about them. The disagreement on Friday gets put in its proper place – in the context of a greater relationship where we actually agree about so much of the important stuff. But, when we can’t see each other (because we’re in a time where we need to social distance and isolate) and we’re living in an environment of constant fear where the media is our arbitrator of truth, that small argument becomes the focus. It consumes us and eats at us. It’s all we can see about the person.

The end result is that we allow ourselves to be divided into camps/tribes – masks vs no masks, lockdown vs life as usual, impeach Dewine vs love DeWine, Trump vs Biden, BLM vs cops, back to school vs keep them at home, immigration reform vs open borders, and on and on it goes. The truth is there are nuances and middle grounds and a sliding scale to many of these camps/positions. But, that doesn’t even matter. What matters is that we DO agree about Jesus, His Word, the beauty of His Gospel and redemption stories, His creation and His imagebearers, His church, His glory, His imminent return and our future home with Him. Why would we break fellowship with or be hurtful toward people with whom we share these truths?

If I dutifully mask up and keep my family safe from the virus, but I stomp on the heart of another Christian on FB, have I won or lost? If my candidate wins in the Fall, but I have made those people my tribe instead of the people who love Jesus along with me, have I won or lost? If I decide to homeschool my kids this year but I use FB to ridicule hardworking but concerned teachers and thoughtful parents who chose not to do the same, have I won or lost? I believe that I have lost because I have forsaken the weightier matters in favor of my own personal take on a passing issue or even worse, my own personal preference on how something should be handled.

A Better Way

So, let me pause and encourage you toward a better way: fix your eyes on Jesus. Get it off COVID or Trump or Dewine or BLM or opening the Ohio economy or masks or any of it. Get it on Jesus. Our beautiful Creator, Sustainer, and Savior. Worship Him. And, pray. Go to Him. Get some time alone to wrap your heart around whatever is concerning you during this time – oftentimes our response to things is based in fear or hurt or legitimate concern. Most of us are not setting out to be brats when we post on FB – we’re just responding to something else deep within. In your time of reflection, identify what that is and then identify if it is a legitimate fear or if it is rooted in lies. Emotions are emotions. They just are. But the thing underneath the surface that is fueling them may or may not be valid.

After you do that, you might find that your fear or hurt or concern is causing you to act a certain way or dislike someone who is threatening your world with their words or policies. In the book of Proverbs, the Bible says it is a glory to overlook an offense. Does this situation fall into that category? Can it be overlooked? If so, bring it before the Lord and truly let it go by putting it into His hands.

If not, you might need to talk directly to that someone – perhaps their comments or positions on SM have wounded you or concerned you to a degree that you can’t just let it go. Then, go talk to them. In person. Don’t post it on FB as a thinly veiled rebuke. Don’t be passive aggressive. Have an actual conversation. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. Consider. Be humble where you need to be humble. Heal where you can bring healing. Be more concerned about sanctification and holiness than being right – for you and for the other person. If it’s not a sin issue, you might find that you still disagree on the actual issue but that talking helps you understand motive and context. It’s totally OK if you both love God, His Word, and people but disagree about whether Summit County should be in the red zone or not. It is. Just because you feel strongly about that one way or the other doesn’t mean you need to lash out at your Jesus-loving friends. Of course, you believe your position is the right one – otherwise you wouldn’t hold it! But, there is nothing in the Bible that says we have to agree about every possible application of every gray area. In fact, Romans 14 encourages us NOT to judge each other’s hearts over such matters. A friend’s words reminded me of 2 Timothy, where the Apostle Paul states multiple times how the church should not engage in “foolish and stupid arguments” that lead to nothing.

As a side note, you might find that you can’t do this AND remain on social media. If that is the case, give up social media. It’s not worth it – to your own soul and for the sake of your relationships. Either figure out how you can live there healthfully with good boundaries or give it up – whether that is a fast for a set period of time or an all out deleting your accounts.

If we fix our eyes on Jesus, hold loosely to our own preferences/ideas/opinions, and fiercely love our brothers and sisters, Satan’s attack to derail our church and the testimony of the whole wide Body of Christ, gets thwarted. And then we truly win. Even if we lose the smaller FB clash or even the larger culture war.

And keep your trust in the One place that is worthy. Do not trust in the Ohio constitution. Or in masking up. Or in your candidate getting elected. Or in school boards. None of those deserve your faith and hope. Even if we “beat COVID”, something else will come along to challenge us. You might avoid COVID, keep your family totally safe, and then find out your child has a tumor the next week. Instead of putting your hope in that which cannot save you, trust that the Spirit of God is at work – even in your friends with whom you disagree. Let Him do His work in His time.

And, in the meantime, be kind. We can do better, church. And we should.

When Quarantine Brings You Back to Table Life

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One of the things that has given me pause for thanksgiving during this season of the COVID-19 quarantine is a return to family meals.

We used to observe regular family meals here in the McKee household. For most of the elementary years, it was an assumed staple of our homelife. I cooked homemade meals most nights. On the nights that didn’t happen, we had leftovers. Occasionally we ate out or ordered pizza. At some point in there, Rick instituted a weekly ritual called Chef Rick Night. At first it was Mac N Cheese but eventually he started trying his hand at new, made-from-scratch recipes and now he has a rotation that the kids love. But, the main point is that in all of these scenarios, we sat down to eat. Together. Most nights of the week.

I grew up with a strong table life and my mom was quite confident in the kitchen. She passed that value (and its accompanying skills) on to me and it’s just something that has always been part of my homemaking. I really like to create an experience of joy and warmth at the table, often adding extra touches or lighting a candle or playing soft music in the background. This was our norm for a lot of years. (Please don’t let that put you under the pile if that’s NOT your thing. That’s not what this about. You probably have another thing that you do well that I don’t. It’s just that this is my thing.)

It was like that in our home for a lot of years. UNTIL… the kids hit the tween and teen years. Their evenings started to fill up with activity. Which coincided with a period of time in my own heart and life that was not a time of thriving. (I’ll just leave that there.) Needless to say, I stopped really fighting for table life and family meals. I didn’t invite people over as much and I wasn’t being very intentional to bring the McKee Four to the table at the same time. Family meals were happening once or twice a week a week. Maybe?

I could blame that on their schedules. Or our schedules. I could blame it on the drain of the teenage years and the accompanying tension that was sometimes at our table. I could blame it on the demands of launching a new, rapidly growing church. I could blame it on the changes to my home-work balance and schedule. I could blame it on just being sort of bored with the daily grind of cooking.

All of those are legit realities. It was really a mix of all of them. But, the bottom line is that I stopped fighting for that time. I stopped making it a priority and pushing us toward it. Both inwardly as a family and outwardly by inviting others to come into that space with us. It just sort of fell by the wayside, part of the carnage of our modern, busy lifestyle.

In recent months, some of that desire has been rekindled. We’ve been having people over for soup and bread on Sunday nights. I have been returning to planning and creating in the kitchen. I’ve been more motivated to care for my little family in that way. Most importantly, I’ve been reminded that it’s good – not just for our bodies but for our souls as well.

But even with my rekindled desire, there was still the pesky issue of our schedules. How do you stop that train once it is barreling down the tracks? Answer: a pandemic.

Hopefully that’s not what it will always take to get things turned around!! But, sometimes we need a do-over and it takes something big to get us there. I have to admit that we’ve been at the table together a lot more during this difficult season. And for that, I’m thankful.

Joanne Thompson’s book, Table Life, speaks much of what is in my heart regarding this return to the table. Things I have long held to be true. Sadly, I just haven’t practiced them as much in recent years. This season has reminded how much I do really love the Table Life aspect of community and nourishment.

In her chapter, Called to Table Life, Joanne says it this way:

Once upon many meals, Jesus – the strong man on a mission to redeem the world – took time to eat dinner. Imagine the satisfied grin on his suntanned face as he ate crispy fried fish and plump pomegranate seeds. Christ lived table life not on a television stage, but in Judean homes. Jesus needed  food, but his lifestyle also demonstrated a passionate preference for the table as an expression of the kingdom. His practice of eating meals with others in their homes was an answer to the prayer he taught his disciples, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Over meals, he connected with family, strangers, skeptics, and friends. Across the table, hearts made for relationship came alive.

My heart leaps at that line: across the table, hearts made for relationship came alive! We’ve been experiencing a bit of that in this crazy first half of 2020. And as I look to count gratitude in the midst of this challenging “Shelter In Place” season, that is one of things I’ve added to my list.

What about you? How has God used this time to rekindle one of your passions or personal disciplines?

Have I Ever Introduced You to Emily?

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Have you ever had one of those experiences where you read a line from a book or heard a speaker say something and it just resonated? Like you felt like they were saying the thing you’ve been trying to say but couldn’t quite put to words? And when they said it, your heart sort of leaped? And then you became certain that if you ever got to meet said person in real life, that you’d be bosom friends? As in the Anne of Green Gables kind of bosom friends?

That’s how I feel about Emily P. Freeman. I started reading her stuff years ago. It must have been back when blogging was just getting popular. I think I even heard her speak at a blog conference during that period. Something about the way she expresses things just resonates with me. I like her insight, her way with words, her humility, and her warmth. I like that she weaves words together well but that she’s not extra wordy. That she is studied but not stuffy. I like that she knows Jesus as Lord, of course, but also as friend. I think there’s a real intimacy in her relationship with Him that is attractive. I also like that she knows she has valuable stuff to offer the world but that she doesn’t take herself too seriously. Many are the podcast episodes in which she pokes fun at herself.

The best way to sum it up is probably to say that, when I read her blog or one of her books or listen to her podcast, I leave refreshed. Like I just took in a bit of fresh air.

Her podcast (The Next Right Thing) this week about COVID-19 was about naming the things we’re feeling during this time. In my humble opinion is was a perfect message for this unsettling season – better than any encouragement I could give you myself. I’d love it if you go over and give it a listen. Her podcasts release every Tuesday and are always short (10 to 15 minutes). They are both reflective and practical. I think you’ll find this week’s well worth your time… and, let’s be honest, what else are you doing? You could use the break from binge watching Netflix, right?

Let me just wet your whistle with this thought from her yesterday…

In this time of uncertainty, it’s okay to grieve the endings even though others may have it a lot worse. This is a time to name the places where we are beginning, middling and ending, and then to allow others the space to do the same… This is not the time to look too far into the future or try to predict outcomes. This is not a time to think in terms of months or weeks or even days. This is a time to name what remains unnamed within us and then to ask ourselves, what is our next right thing in the next 10 minutes? – Emily P. Freeman

I love her permission to name the things. And her wisdom on how best to do that.

If you find that you enjoy her tone and perspective as much as I do, her book The Next Right Thing is free right now in ebook form if you have Amazon Prime.

Here’s the link to the podcast episode that I quoted above : The Next Right Thing Podcast, Episode 120. You can also subscribe to it in all the usual ways if you’d rather listen to it on your phone. I listen to it “on the regular”.