Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

Permission to Name the Tensions and Sit in Them

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Caleb moved out last month. It was a good moving out. It was time. He’s in a good place in life – really growing into the man we knew he’d become. He has an ideal living situation. He’s learning to manage work, friends, involvement in his church, and finishing school; we’re thrilled to see him navigating those things well.

So, we knew moving out would help him flourish. He knew it too. We all agreed it was time. We planned for it. Discussed it. Helped him think through all of the things. Set a date.

We knew in both head and heart that it was time. But, you know, Rick and I (ok, mostly me) still cried a bit when we talked about it and prayed for him. Every once in a while, we questioned it and wondered if we should push the timetable back.

But we didn’t. We stuck with the plan that all three of us agreed was best. And it’s been such a good decision. He’s rocking it and really rising to the extra weight of responsibility. And, to be honest, having one less person in the house does simplify some things (and make the leftovers last longer!). So, we’re all embracing this new season.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t been a little bit melancholy at times. Like when I found this pile that had somehow survived all the toy purges and was still in his room.

Or when we sat down for Chef Rick night and he couldn’t come because of work. Or when we walk by his room and know he’s not in it anymore. Or when Madison has no one to raid the pantry with late at night. Or when Taco the Dog has to find a new napping spot because his bed isn’t there for her.

It’s been a sweet transition – I haven’t even cried much. And, yet, it’s been a little bit bitter too.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions about things. When change comes or people disappoint you or you have to make a hard decision about the people in your life or you leave one job for another or you find yourself celebrating special occasions in new ways because of COVID-19… Whatever you’re facing right now, I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions. Life is not always so cut-and-dried. Few life events are either all good or all bad. Most of them are nuanced and complicated. And sometimes we feel like we should know exactly what to do with all that nuance. Like we should have it all mastered.

But, we usually don’t so we fake it. Or we shove some of the emotions down. Or we go along to get along. Can I just give you permission to sit in competing emotions? To feel both happy and sad as you look back on 2020. Has it given us some gifts like slowing down and simplifying gatherings? Have we learned that we can have beautiful, meaning-filled weddings without having a blowout reception? Have we rediscovered things like hiking and being outside? Have we learned that being at home has its positives? Have some of us returned to creative pursuits like reading or sewing or making art? Have we learned to appreciate hugs and gathering with friends at new levels because of their absence? Have we learned that we don’t actually WANT to lose our small businesses? Have we learned that we have hard but worthy work to do in the area of racial reconciliation? Yes. All of those things are good things from 2020.

But this season has also been incredibly draining and difficult. It has been hurtful. It has been polarizing. It has been fearful. Mental health issues and suicide are at a high. Alcohol sales are up. Worthy groups like AA have stopped meeting and giving out their coins. Celebrations have been hampered. People have died in nursing homes – because of loneliness not COVID. Families who need in-home care for a loved one have been abandoned. We can’t SEE each other and we have to shout to our cashiers. Small businesses are barely hanging on – which means that the families behind them are struggling to pay their bills. Many shops and restaurants are just gone, leaving us with the big box stores only. Children are sitting in front of computer screens ALL DAY. Arguments on social media are more divisive and hurtful than ever. Some people have died from an illness we didn’t even know about a year ago. Foster care and domestic abuse cases are harder to document because being shut up at home isn’t safe and cozy for everyone. Relationships are feeling the weight of all these pressures. And IT IS HARD.

We hold these things in tension. The good AND the hard. I want to encourage you to name them both. To acknowledge all the nuances and feelings. Don’t just stuff them or dismiss them because they don’t fit into a neat package. The longer I live and the more I study the Bible, the more convinced I am that very few situations fit neatly into columns labeled “good” or “bad”. Most things in this broken world are a mixed bag. Nuanced. The person you love most in the world has his or her dark side. Some of your happiest memories had moments of stress or disappointment woven into them.

It’s OK to acknowledge and feel both. Hold them in tension. Let God work through both to shape you more into the likeness of His breathtaking Son. Can we let Him do that work as we reflect on 2020 and move further into 2021?

You really can linger over the pile of green, army guys with melancholy AND cheer him on in his new adventure at the same time. Welcome both emotions in, name them, and give them back to God knowing that He who holds them is trustworthy and purely, truly good.

9 Things That Are Saving My Life Right Now

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To say that we’re living in a challenging season is the quintessential understatement. 2020 has been taxing in so many ways. Now, we are eight months in to the COVID-19 pandemic and there is no clear end in sight with much division about what should be done. Here in the US, racial issues still bubble in the background as my friends of color continue to suffer various levels of injustice. And, the presidential election should have been over a week ago but it still lingers in the courts. Meanwhile, the various media feed fear and uncertainty instead of bringing clarity. And that doesn’t even touch some of the personal hardships I’m walking through with friends right now. I can feel the weariness of it all creeping into my bones at times. The brain fog making it so hard to stay focused – even the smallest decisions seem crippling these days! The grouchiness in my heart when I have to let go of things beyond my control. The despair when I see the constant bickering on social media. The anxiety in my chest that feels like a trapped animal trying to get out. Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

A peacemaker and an empath, I am tempted to numb it by hiding because engaging is just too much for me. And, while it may be too much for me, the truth is that it’s not too much for God’s Spirit in me. He is not threatened or surprised by all that is happening in our world today. He is at work – strengthening, empowering, and giving good gifts to His children.

To embrace that truth and beat back some of the heaviness, I thought I’d share some of His good gifts that are saving me right now. Over the last year, I’ve been cultivating various disciplines in my life to help me “notice and name” things. (Much of these practices come from things I have gleaned from Emily P. Freeman, author and podcaster of The Next Right Thing.) Emily loves to make lists. And not just the “to-do” kind; but the reflective kind. This particular list she borrowed from Barbara Brown Taylor who once spoke on the topic: “Tell us what is saving your life right now.”

It’s a good question. Our tendency is to focus on the things that are hard – especially during a season like this one! But most of us don’t pay much attention to those things that are giving us hope and life and joy – maybe because we take them for granted?

Emily’s practice is to revisit this question from time to time and… make a list. I’ve followed her example and started keeping a running list of the things that are saving my life right now. Some of them are light, easy things. Some of them are very practical things. Some are deeper, heart-level things. Whatever they are, these are some of the things that are bringing me life right now. I share them with you to see if any of them might resonate with you or inspire you. Maybe just making the list inspires you even if you never do any of these specific things. Or maybe some of these things would bless you too? I’ll trust the Lord to do whatever He wants with it.

Here’s my list of nine things. Not 10 or eight. Just nine:

The Rabbit Room – The Rabbit Room was started by one of my favorite musicians, Andrew Peterson. It fosters Christ-centered community and spiritual formation through music, story, and art. One of its offerings is a Facebook group where the members celebrate and encourage these things. I toy with leaving FB all together but this group is one of the reasons I stay – for now anyway.

My Autumn Spotify playlist – Author Myquillyn Smith (also known as The Nester) says that “music is the salt and pepper of a home.” In her most recent book, Welcome Home, she talks about the power of creating an experience in your home – one that utilizes the Five Senses. She feels strongly about sound – especially music and all that it evokes. She creates playlists for various seasons and activities. She inspired me to do the same. Truth be told, several of the songs on MY autumn playlist came from hers.

Baking – Also a nod to the five senses, baking speaks warmth and safety to me. The smells, the tastes, the process, the ingredients, the creativity. Personally, the fact that I start with real (non GMO) ingredients and not pre-made or boxed mixes is part of the experience; so I do that. On my list of homemade items so far this Fall: banana bread, cinnamon chip pancakes, beer bread, artisan breads, corn bread, apple cookies, pumpkin cookies, and apple crumble.

Soups and Stews – Similar to baking, these make my soul happy, fill up my senses, and take care of my family. My slow cooker is very busy during the colder months. And, of course, soups are best served with bread. So, bonus points. You can find many of my recipes by becoming my friend on Plan to Eat. Or sometimes, I post them here under the This & That category.

99 Walks – 99 walks is a community of women getting healthier and happier by completing a virtual, monthly walking challenge. For a small monthly fee, I have access to an app, online fitness classes, accountability, and encouragement. For every month that I meet or exceed my goal, I get a bracelet with a monthly inspiration engraved on it. I already loved walking but the accountability has helped me immensely.

Candles – Especially soy with either faint scents or no scents at all. I like them for the ambiance mostly. The ones with the wooden wicks are my faves because of the sound they make when they burn.

The Women’s Bible Study at my church – I don’t know where to begin. Everything about it brings me joy. The women themselves. The hunger to grow. The teachable spirit. The glory of our good God on display. Walking through a book of the Bible every semester – the timing of studying 1 Samuel couldn’t have been better.

Limiting my social media – I am finding that social media is not a healthy space for me. Especially Facebook and Twitter. They suck my time and leave me feeling gross. Just toxic mostly. If I could find a way to replace the Groups on FB, I’d be gone already. I do find Instagram to be a much more encouraging space for now. But, I really have to limit all of it if I want to stay healthy emotionally and spiritually. And when I am on social media, I have to be very intentional.

This quote by Dr. James Bryan Smith: “I am one in whom Christ delights and dwells. I live in the strong and unshakeable kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble and neither am I.” I’ve loved this quote for years but it seems especially important these days. (The story behind the quote is on Emily’s podcast here.)

What about you? What is saving your life right now? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below! Your ideas might inspire me or other readers to some new life saving ideas.

The Gratitude Tree: Our November Tradition

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As I write, the reds and golds of Autumn are just barely holding out. The trees are releasing the last of the most vibrant leaves. They float to the ground, their fading colors blanketing the earth.

But there is one lonely tree that has only just begun to show its colors. This month, her buds will open and the colors will begin a most vibrant month-long display. By November’s end she will be the most beautiful of all trees.

Her branches ablaze with color. Her “leaves” pouring forth praises to the One who brings her branches to their own kind of life.

We call her the Gratitude Tree.

She’s part of the reason I don’t decorate for Christmas at all until the day after Thanksgiving. I need these weeks to linger over Autumn with gratitude. To join with nature in preparing my heart and home for winter. To me, there is something sacred about this waiting after the hubbub of Halloween and its distractions.

I approach it with intentionality and its own kind of purpose. I light candles more often. I revisit some of my daily rhythms. And I count gratitude. I add a new “leaf” to the tree each day. The rest of the family adds as they feel moved and guests in our home often participate too. It’s a tradition we started somewhere around 2010. To be honest, some years have been more successful than others (I’m not always the stellar on follow-thru as some of you may know).

In her book, One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp captures the spirit of my November hopes well. She says, “Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing…. Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”

August, September, and October are usually busy months. November is my forced pause. Not just a pause for the pause-sake. But for the express purpose of focusing on gratitude. To slow my roll and notice all the little things in front of me. Ann goes on to say, “Gratitude for the seemingly insignificant—a seed—this plants the giant miracle.”

Some years I continue the practice in a journal even after we take the tree down. I know my propensity to rush and miss things. To focus only on the hard things. To try to dull my ache by keeping my head down and pressing on. Counting gratitude helps me halt some of those joy-crushing tendencies during the other months too.

In many ways, our November tradition seems more important this year than ever. The roots of the Gratitude Tree reach deep into the fabric of our family. Her leaves are the simple testimonies of grace upon grace. Reminders of all the good gifts that we have received this year – even in a year like 2020.

These weeks are a thanksgiving. They prepare us for the Thanksgiving.

 

(In this age of comparison and picture perfect social media and hyper-tribalism, I feel I must add a disclaimer. I just want to say that I don’t think you’re a horrible person if you decorate for Christmas on November 1. This is simply what I do to combat the noise, take a pause, and make the most of my November. I share it to encourage you and to give you a peek into a tradition that has become meaningful for me. Nothing more, nothing less.) 

My Lament and an Exhortation to a Better Way

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My heart is heavy today. I am deeply and profoundly concerned about the tone I see on social media right now. Friends, we are NOT following Jesus during this tumultuous time. Plain and simple.

In a thread this week, I saw one of our RC leaders get called an a$$hole and a piece of sh1t because he asked a question in response to an article related to a protest and a gun issue. In another thread, I was compared to a drunk driver because I don’t wear a mask 100% of the time in public spaces. In another thread, I saw a black woman get told that the civil rights movement was over and that she should basically quit whining and get on with life. I have heard of people legit leaving their churches because of the way George Floyd or COVID was handled by church leadership. I follow The Gospel Coalition on FB and I am shocked at the comment threads below the articles lately – sometimes about things as small as which movie should be included in a list that the blog author had created!! I read one post recently – thinly veiled but clearly directed at a local pastor – that was snarky in tone. In most of these cases, there is no face to face conversation. There is no listening or sharing concerns. No teachability or willingness to reconsider. There is no valuing each other with dignity and honor as fellow heirs of the grace of life.

All of what I mentioned above are in CHRISTIAN contexts. We’re not talking about the world here. We’re talking about the church. We’re talking about Christians who are so eager to make their point on debatable issues (as opposed to gospel issues) that they are willing to violate the clear teaching of Scripture and treat a brother or sister in Christ poorly. Instead of grace and love and mercy, I see haughtiness and pride and unbending. I see condescending assumptions/tones being made all over the place. I see sin. Friends, this ought not be.

I believe that Satan is using this unique time to divide and splinter and scar the Body of Christ. RC is just one part of His Body. But, before COVID-19 hit, we were a vibrant, growing church. Not a perfect church by any means. A church full of messy people and flawed leaders. But there was joy and calling and a clear sense of God’s activity among us. We were about His kingdom and in it together. By God’s grace, so far much of that is still true. We are still a growing church and there is much love when we are together. But, I fear that politics, COVID, and culture wars are becoming the focus among our people.

You see, because we’re not together in person very often anymore, we’re not believing the best about each other. When we argue with someone on FB on Friday but then see them juggling their kids and/or foster kids as they tromp into church on Sunday, we remember that we actually really love them and appreciate so many things about them. The disagreement on Friday gets put in its proper place – in the context of a greater relationship where we actually agree about so much of the important stuff. But, when we can’t see each other (because we’re in a time where we need to social distance and isolate) and we’re living in an environment of constant fear where the media is our arbitrator of truth, that small argument becomes the focus. It consumes us and eats at us. It’s all we can see about the person.

The end result is that we allow ourselves to be divided into camps/tribes – masks vs no masks, lockdown vs life as usual, impeach Dewine vs love DeWine, Trump vs Biden, BLM vs cops, back to school vs keep them at home, immigration reform vs open borders, and on and on it goes. The truth is there are nuances and middle grounds and a sliding scale to many of these camps/positions. But, that doesn’t even matter. What matters is that we DO agree about Jesus, His Word, the beauty of His Gospel and redemption stories, His creation and His imagebearers, His church, His glory, His imminent return and our future home with Him. Why would we break fellowship with or be hurtful toward people with whom we share these truths?

If I dutifully mask up and keep my family safe from the virus, but I stomp on the heart of another Christian on FB, have I won or lost? If my candidate wins in the Fall, but I have made those people my tribe instead of the people who love Jesus along with me, have I won or lost? If I decide to homeschool my kids this year but I use FB to ridicule hardworking but concerned teachers and thoughtful parents who chose not to do the same, have I won or lost? I believe that I have lost because I have forsaken the weightier matters in favor of my own personal take on a passing issue or even worse, my own personal preference on how something should be handled.

A Better Way

So, let me pause and encourage you toward a better way: fix your eyes on Jesus. Get it off COVID or Trump or Dewine or BLM or opening the Ohio economy or masks or any of it. Get it on Jesus. Our beautiful Creator, Sustainer, and Savior. Worship Him. And, pray. Go to Him. Get some time alone to wrap your heart around whatever is concerning you during this time – oftentimes our response to things is based in fear or hurt or legitimate concern. Most of us are not setting out to be brats when we post on FB – we’re just responding to something else deep within. In your time of reflection, identify what that is and then identify if it is a legitimate fear or if it is rooted in lies. Emotions are emotions. They just are. But the thing underneath the surface that is fueling them may or may not be valid.

After you do that, you might find that your fear or hurt or concern is causing you to act a certain way or dislike someone who is threatening your world with their words or policies. In the book of Proverbs, the Bible says it is a glory to overlook an offense. Does this situation fall into that category? Can it be overlooked? If so, bring it before the Lord and truly let it go by putting it into His hands.

If not, you might need to talk directly to that someone – perhaps their comments or positions on SM have wounded you or concerned you to a degree that you can’t just let it go. Then, go talk to them. In person. Don’t post it on FB as a thinly veiled rebuke. Don’t be passive aggressive. Have an actual conversation. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. Consider. Be humble where you need to be humble. Heal where you can bring healing. Be more concerned about sanctification and holiness than being right – for you and for the other person. If it’s not a sin issue, you might find that you still disagree on the actual issue but that talking helps you understand motive and context. It’s totally OK if you both love God, His Word, and people but disagree about whether Summit County should be in the red zone or not. It is. Just because you feel strongly about that one way or the other doesn’t mean you need to lash out at your Jesus-loving friends. Of course, you believe your position is the right one – otherwise you wouldn’t hold it! But, there is nothing in the Bible that says we have to agree about every possible application of every gray area. In fact, Romans 14 encourages us NOT to judge each other’s hearts over such matters. A friend’s words reminded me of 2 Timothy, where the Apostle Paul states multiple times how the church should not engage in “foolish and stupid arguments” that lead to nothing.

As a side note, you might find that you can’t do this AND remain on social media. If that is the case, give up social media. It’s not worth it – to your own soul and for the sake of your relationships. Either figure out how you can live there healthfully with good boundaries or give it up – whether that is a fast for a set period of time or an all out deleting your accounts.

If we fix our eyes on Jesus, hold loosely to our own preferences/ideas/opinions, and fiercely love our brothers and sisters, Satan’s attack to derail our church and the testimony of the whole wide Body of Christ, gets thwarted. And then we truly win. Even if we lose the smaller FB clash or even the larger culture war.

And keep your trust in the One place that is worthy. Do not trust in the Ohio constitution. Or in masking up. Or in your candidate getting elected. Or in school boards. None of those deserve your faith and hope. Even if we “beat COVID”, something else will come along to challenge us. You might avoid COVID, keep your family totally safe, and then find out your child has a tumor the next week. Instead of putting your hope in that which cannot save you, trust that the Spirit of God is at work – even in your friends with whom you disagree. Let Him do His work in His time.

And, in the meantime, be kind. We can do better, church. And we should.