Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

When Quarantine Brings You Back to Table Life

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One of the things that has given me pause for thanksgiving during this season of the COVID-19 quarantine is a return to family meals.

We used to observe regular family meals here in the McKee household. For most of the elementary years, it was an assumed staple of our homelife. I cooked homemade meals most nights. On the nights that didn’t happen, we had leftovers. Occasionally we ate out or ordered pizza. At some point in there, Rick instituted a weekly ritual called Chef Rick Night. At first it was Mac N Cheese but eventually he started trying his hand at new, made-from-scratch recipes and now he has a rotation that the kids love. But, the main point is that in all of these scenarios, we sat down to eat. Together. Most nights of the week.

I grew up with a strong table life and my mom was quite confident in the kitchen. She passed that value (and its accompanying skills) on to me and it’s just something that has always been part of my homemaking. I really like to create an experience of joy and warmth at the table, often adding extra touches or lighting a candle or playing soft music in the background. This was our norm for a lot of years. (Please don’t let that put you under the pile if that’s NOT your thing. That’s not what this about. You probably have another thing that you do well that I don’t. It’s just that this is my thing.)

It was like that in our home for a lot of years. UNTIL… the kids hit the tween and teen years. Their evenings started to fill up with activity. Which coincided with a period of time in my own heart and life that was not a time of thriving. (I’ll just leave that there.) Needless to say, I stopped really fighting for table life and family meals. I didn’t invite people over as much and I wasn’t being very intentional to bring the McKee Four to the table at the same time. Family meals were happening once or twice a week a week. Maybe?

I could blame that on their schedules. Or our schedules. I could blame it on the drain of the teenage years and the accompanying tension that was sometimes at our table. I could blame it on the demands of launching a new, rapidly growing church. I could blame it on the changes to my home-work balance and schedule. I could blame it on just being sort of bored with the daily grind of cooking.

All of those are legit realities. It was really a mix of all of them. But, the bottom line is that I stopped fighting for that time. I stopped making it a priority and pushing us toward it. Both inwardly as a family and outwardly by inviting others to come into that space with us. It just sort of fell by the wayside, part of the carnage of our modern, busy lifestyle.

In recent months, some of that desire has been rekindled. We’ve been having people over for soup and bread on Sunday nights. I have been returning to planning and creating in the kitchen. I’ve been more motivated to care for my little family in that way. Most importantly, I’ve been reminded that it’s good – not just for our bodies but for our souls as well.

But even with my rekindled desire, there was still the pesky issue of our schedules. How do you stop that train once it is barreling down the tracks? Answer: a pandemic.

Hopefully that’s not what it will always take to get things turned around!! But, sometimes we need a do-over and it takes something big to get us there. I have to admit that we’ve been at the table together a lot more during this difficult season. And for that, I’m thankful.

Joanne Thompson’s book, Table Life, speaks much of what is in my heart regarding this return to the table. Things I have long held to be true. Sadly, I just haven’t practiced them as much in recent years. This season has reminded how much I do really love the Table Life aspect of community and nourishment.

In her chapter, Called to Table Life, Joanne says it this way:

Once upon many meals, Jesus – the strong man on a mission to redeem the world – took time to eat dinner. Imagine the satisfied grin on his suntanned face as he ate crispy fried fish and plump pomegranate seeds. Christ lived table life not on a television stage, but in Judean homes. Jesus needed  food, but his lifestyle also demonstrated a passionate preference for the table as an expression of the kingdom. His practice of eating meals with others in their homes was an answer to the prayer he taught his disciples, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Over meals, he connected with family, strangers, skeptics, and friends. Across the table, hearts made for relationship came alive.

My heart leaps at that line: across the table, hearts made for relationship came alive! We’ve been experiencing a bit of that in this crazy first half of 2020. And as I look to count gratitude in the midst of this challenging “Shelter In Place” season, that is one of things I’ve added to my list.

What about you? How has God used this time to rekindle one of your passions or personal disciplines?

Naming the Beauty {My Mother’s Day Aha Moment}

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This weekend, the kids treated me to brunch out. As is our McKee family habit, part of the time was spent affirming the person being honored. In this case, it was me because of Mother’s Day. Rick asked the kids how they would describe me to their own children someday if something happened and I were to die before those little people ever get know me. 

I’m not gonna lie. It was a really special moment for me. Maybe on the highlight reel of my life so far. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why it meant so very much to me. I mean, they’ve all affirmed me before. But for some reason this conversation really struck a deep place in my heart. 

I’m going to share some of my reflections on it here because I think it might be instructive in how we love others as well. 

First, I think part of the reason it resonated so much is that I realized in that moment that I really am known by my family. When you are in the throes of raising kids and maintaining a refuge, it can feel like no one really sees you. For one thing, a lot of what you do is behind the scenes. But, also, I often feel like the oddball in my family. I’m less witty and way more awkward than the three of them. I like quiet and calm. They are all three more busy and aggressive than me. But, in this moment around the brunch table, I realized that I play an important part in the family dynamic too. One that they all do see and appreciate. 

Secondly, Rick’s question took it out of the “thanks for being such a great mom to me” category and put it into the “here’s what I really like about who you are” category. It’s a small change but it really meant a lot to me. My kids are thankful for WHO I am as a person. A person who also happens to be their mom. The things they listed weren’t really focused on WHAT I do for them. They said things like, “I’ve learned to pause and notice the world around me because of you” and “you have a great imagination and childlike wonder about you” and “you are just really kind and sweet and like to make peace” and “I like that you’re a good thinker and can talk about all kinds of things”. They said that they’d want to tell their kids about how I used to read out loud to them with different voices for the characters. And how I love to color in coloring books, and read Winnie the Pooh, or watch Anne with an e. 

They did also note the ways I sacrifice for them; so I’m not saying that the DO was totally disconnected from their thoughts of me as a mom. Of course, we live out our WHO as we DO. But, it felt really intimate and powerful to me to feel seen and known beyond just what I do for them. They described me pretty well, actually.  

Third, as they were sharing, I realized that I am hyper-focused on the ways in which I need to grow. I’m always striving, focused on where I fall short of my perceived perfect, Christian woman. I beat myself up a lot. Granted, it’s not all bad to know your blindspots or to be aware of your shortcomings or own your sin. And even to work on those things in cooperation with the Holy Spirit. But, for me, I think I over focus there and miss what God is doing in my life that is beautiful and good. 

What if, instead, I learned to revel in how God made me? Not in pride – because He is the author and designer of who I am. He is the one who gives good gifts and fashions us – the Bible refers to Him as the potter and me as the clay! The glory is still His. But, how nice would it be to be so comfortable in my own skin that I can humbly acknowledge the beauty along with flaws, bumps, and bruises? As Paul said in his letter to the Romans (12:3), I am to “think of [myself] with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given [me].” He put me into this world because He wants me to be here – not the “me I think I should because of how He made someone else and I think she is more ideal than me.” 

In his book, Crafting a Rule of Life, Stephen A. Macchia said it this way: 

“In truth, we cannot become anything other than who we already are, if we wish to be fulfilled in our lives and vocation. We must stop trying to “become” something else, or to “develop” or “cultivate” some trait that we fundamentally lack, and instead start by being who we already are by identifying our giftedness and living it out. 

Our gifts and talents all come from the hand of almighty God. We can’t claim them as our own, as if we created or designed them by ancestry or practice… We acknowledge our true selves when we appreciate the way that God made us.”

Honestly, I don’t think I’m there yet. Years of fearing failure and being a people pleaser have made my inner world a little messy at times. But, Saturday morning was a really rich and powerful time in my journey of spiritual formation. 

Which got me thinking about how I can do this for others. I want to give this same gift to the people in my life. To be a finder of beauty in others and to help them name it. 

Because I don’t think I’m alone in struggling to always see it in myself. 

Pausing to Consider the Rich and Varied Faces of Mother’s Day

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As we head into a weekend that might be a mixture of emotions for you, I want to offer this reminder that you are seen and loved. God knows… 

Maybe Mother’s Day makes you sad because you’re mourning a mom who has died. 

Maybe Mother’s Day is hard for you because you’d like to have kids but you don’t (for all kinds of reasons and situations that I can’t even begin to name here in this small space). 

Maybe it’s a day of ache because your womb has known both life and loss and you miss those babes you barely knew. 

Maybe it’s a day filled with pain because your relationship with your own mom is strained. Maybe your mom just did a really horrible job of momming. 

Maybe it’s a day of pulling back in discouragement because your adult children have walked away or shut you out. 

Maybe Mother’s Day if filled with regret because you chose abortion and this day serves as a painful reminder.

Maybe you feel guilty because you do have kids but they’re driving you nuts in this season and you’re tapped out. But you feel like you shouldn’t be.

Maybe you come into Mother’s Day scared because you are swollen up huge and ready to burst with a new life but you’re overwhelmed or alone or feeling inadequate. 

Maybe you’re full of “what ifs” because you’re a mom who only held her baby for a moment before giving her as a gift to know another as mom. And sometimes you wonder about her. 

Of course, it’s also a day full of joy and honor for so many. Many of whom might celebrate today but have been somewhere on this list too. 

I love that our Jesus can acknowledge both. That rejoicing at motherhood doesn’t mean excluding those who haven’t experienced it or are saddened by it. No. It’s not all or nothing. Instead, we rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. We enter in with one another because His grace is sufficient for all of it. For every sigh of contented delight AND for every tear cried in an empty rocker. 

We trust that He sees. He knows. He has taken on flesh and entered into it with us. That He is the Sovereign Lord in both the mourning and the rejoicing. And that He is always making all things new. 

“Oh El Roi… in Genesis we find you there as the God Who Sees. We are so thankful that you see us – just like you saw both Hagar and Sarah. One in her pain and desperation. The other in her moment of incredulous laughter. Thank you for meeting us both in that place of plenty and in the parched wilderness. 

We offer both to you, trusting in your loving kindness. Here in open hands we give you both our broken dreams and our most precious mom moments.

Help us to see with your eyes. To be conduits of your grace and mercy in other women’s stories. 

I’m so glad you made me a woman! I know I am part of a beautiful sisterhood and that we reflect your image as life givers. Thank you for creating us girls with the unique capacity to nurture life – whether we ever bear children or not.” 

Happy Mother’s Day, life givers. Your story is precious, and you are all breathtakingly beautiful in your design.

A Peek into a Mom’s Heart During Hardship

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On Saturday, I shared about our daughter Madison’s journey with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. Being a teenager in today’s world isn’t easy. Studies confirm that depression among teens in the U.S. is on the rise. We had two suicides in our small high school already this year. My heart breaks for our kids as they navigate growing up in a post-Christian, media-saturated world. Both of our kids have really struggled with finding their way through it. But, as a mom, my heart also breaks for all the other moms out there. Guiding your kids through it is tough. It can rock your world a bit. So, I have a few thoughts for you too.

Moms of teens, I want you to know that I see you…

  • I know it feels lonely. When your kids are struggling, you can’t throw it out there on FB ask for tips like you could when the issues were sleeping through the night and potty training. The physical exhaustion you felt when they were littles is now emotional exhaustion and it’s harder than ever to find times to connect with other moms because everyone is so busy juggling their own schedules and their nearly adult kids’ schedules.
  • I know you feel like you’re drowning at times. And that you question every parenting decision you ever made along the way. You wonder if their struggles are your fault. And you wonder if they’ll pop out the other side into adulthood or if they’ll struggle like this their whole lives.
  • I know you feel like people are judging you and your kid(s). Honestly, they probably are. Especially if their kids don’t struggle in the same ways. I can’t even post about the HPV vaccine without people getting judgy. Do I really think they’ll understand the decisions we made about something as complicated as mental health, epilepsy, and medications?
  • I know you feel bad for even considering your own feelings in the midst of your child’s pain or struggle. You don’t want to make it about you. And, yet, your hair is literally falling out from the stress response… so you have to acknowledge that you are hurting too.
  • I know that social media can be a real curse during a time like this because it looks like everyone is living the dream. They’re not. But the façade is there tempting you to despair and feel even more alone. And, don’t even get me started on the comment threads out there if you throw out an article or thought – people are brutal there. [see above comment on the judginess]

As I have reflected on our journey, I can share some of the truisms that I’ve clung to along the way:

Embrace truth. Whether you’re going through something hard like this or just slugging it out in the trenches of life with your kids, you have to reject the lies and believe the truth. I happened to be teaching through the book of Hebrews while our family was in the middle of this crisis and I’m pretty sure God used that more for me than He did for the 300 other women who were coming to the study. I reveled in the fact that God is a covenant-keeper, that Jesus is better than everything, that I can approach the throne of grace with boldness and find mercy, that I can fix my eyes on Jesus and run my race with endurance, that I’ll be joining a great cloud of witnesses in heaven some day when this life passes, and that I can count on the family of God to spur me on toward love and good deeds no matter what. Being in God’s Word regularly was everything. Not just then but for the 30 or so years leading up to it. I was drawing on a deep well to help me combat the doubts, fears, and lies that crept in. Your emotions can be strong during seasons like this. They aren’t always trustworthy. There are lots of lies out there waiting to trip you up or force you off course. Embrace truth.

Cling to your spouse. In our pain, there were moments where it was tempting to turn on each other. I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with Rick because I needed to stay in Madison’s room. One of us had to be with her 24/7 so we weren’t getting much couple time. And when we did, there were lots of tense conversations as both of us were feeling raw and desperate at times. We could have shifted to blaming each other or disagreeing about the way forward. Instead, we prayed often, tried to stay patient with each other, and moved toward each other. Sometimes, we just wept together on the couch in the living room while she was in the shower. Cling to your spouse.

Keep it real with your tribe. I have written before about how blessed I feel in this regard. We have some of THE BEST people in our lives. Our church elders and staff were money when it came to just holding us up in prayer. We know of at least one example when we were waking up at night because of the weight and anxiety of it all – and God was waking one of elders to pray for us at that same time. We have a circle of friends who would move heaven and earth for us and we could sense that. Have a tribe and be real with them so that it’s not so darn lonely.

Stop trying to be supermom. Realize that you can’t protect your kids from everything. When they are little, we sort of live under the delusion that we can do this. And, in many ways we can keep them fairly insulated from a lot of things for a while. We can direct their paths by putting up literal gates and/or fences and limiting what they are exposed to. But the truth is, even if you can protect them from the rest of the world, they still live with your family and themselves. And, guess what? You are all sinners with your own kinds of baggage living in a broken world – and that means some mess will creep in. And, please, don’t worry about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas that people will want to throw at you. Do your best to be faithful, love your kids, stay humble, pray often, employ wisdom when you have it, seek God’s kingdom above your own, and follow the Spirit’s lead. No more supermom.

Love others. I know this seems counterintuitive. But, if you’re going through the soup and no one really knows about it, you can assume that others have their own quiet, internal battles going on too. They need “seen” and cared for just like you do. I’m not saying that self-care isn’t important – it is vital. But our Lord demonstrated a life of laying your life down and serving others. Trust Him to bring beauty out of your ashes as you do the same.

This is our story. So far. It’s not even over yet. We don’t know all of the story. Not even close. What we do know is that the Author of the story is good, gracious, merciful, loving, just, all-knowing, and all-powerful. So, we can trust Him through it. And that’s what we’re holding on to right now.