Shannon S. McKee

musings and moments

Mom Reflections: When Your Teenager Becomes Suicidal

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“Nothing could have prepared me for the moment when I watched my daughter fall to the floor in convulsions. Helpless dread sweeping over me…”

These are the words I penned a year ago after one of Madison’s seizures. At the time, I thought her seizures were the scariest thing in the world. (Side note: they are pretty darn scary.) What I didn’t know at the time was that six months later we’d be back in the same ER fighting another, more sinister attack on her precious mind. I didn’t know that I’d feel even more helpless and lost and lonely… and afraid.

This time the hospital room was completely stripped. No blankets from the warmer here. I sat beside her bed. Sometimes she would accept my comfort. Others, she recoiled from it. Her wound wasn’t an obvious gash on the back of her head but a gaping hole, hidden under layers of emotion and circumstance. No nurse could come and stitch this one up.

As I searched her face, I could see that she was hanging on by a thread. Desperate. Truly at her wits end and wondering if it would just be easier to call it a day and go home to Jesus.

And so began a journey that I had never, ever envisioned back when we first held our tiny, perfect girl with her shock of dark, porcupine hair. Back when I could swaddle her up and hope that she’d sleep a long enough stretch that I’d get to rest too. Now, I would be the one awake – listening, worrying, praying desperate prayers to the only One who could pierce through the darkness and save my girl. Now, instead of trying to tiptoe out of her room, I was making my bed on the floor in her room and hoping I’d be alert enough to hear her if she tried to get up or hurt herself. Now, instead of babyproofing the house, we were suicide-proofing it – doing our best to hide or confiscate anything that could be used for harm. (Which, by the way, is nearly impossible and in the back of your mind, you know it.)

The whole thing launched us all into an intense, emotionally and physically exhausting time. I look back on the Fall of 2017 and it’s a bit of a surreal fog. I’m still trying to sort through it. Rick was pastoring a large, rapidly growing church. I had just taken a job at the same church and was teaching a woman’s Bible study of 300 women. Our son was in the first semester of his Senior year with all the demands that it brings. Madison’s life was very full between school and her dance company and her involvements at our church.

At some point in the midst of all that, it just became too much for our girl. An introvert, she feels and processes intentionally and deeply. She always has – she doesn’t cry like her mom but she needs space to reflect. At some point during her tween years, that emotional side of her gave way to mild depression and acute anxiety. We chalked it up mostly to childhood angst and life maturity issues. We took it seriously, but we also thought that time and growth would help her learn to cope. We were told as she hit puberty that her epilepsy would augment it. It’s very common for epileptics to deal with anxiety and depression because of the areas of the brain that are affected by the seizures. We tried a few things like counseling and intentional time together. It was tough at times but she seemed like she was managing fairly well given that the teen years are hard to navigate no matter what.

But in the Spring when her seizures shifted from the staring spell kind to gran mals, we had to change her medicine. Our options for a teenage girl were limited to two – one could cause depression and suicidal ideation, the other could cause a life-threatening rash.

Rick had just done a funeral for a young man who had committed suicide while on the medicine that we ultimately chose. We were close to that grief. But, we were told it was more rare. We knew lots of people who used Keppra with few side effects. It was the medicine the neurologist felt most confident with, so we picked it and watched her like a hawk for the summer.

What we didn’t know was that she was hiding the effects it was having on her mind and heart.

When school and dance ramped back up in August, it just pushed her over the edge. Which is how we ended up in the ER in October.

Why am sharing this with you here? Do I need your attention or your sympathy? Am I oversharing? No. We’re good. We’ve been surrounded by an amazing group of elders and staff at our church who prayed for us faithfully during that time. We have extended family and dear friends who walked with us down that hard road. God was (and is) our nearness and our strong tower. I don’t need your attention or sympathy. I’m sharing because I’m following Madison’s lead in letting her story be used as a tool to draw people into closer relationship with Jesus – our great Savior, Redeemer, Healer, and the Lover of our souls.

For most of this ordeal, we have been silent save a close circle who would hold us up through prayer… because Madison is her own person and we wanted to honor her need for privacy. This is only my story by proxy. But, a week ago she shared her story at Porch (our church’s ministry for high schoolers) and gave me permission to share here so that I could encourage other moms.

For now, listen to her story and then come back tomorrow for some of my thoughts as a mom walking through this time…

Madison’s Story (4/22/18) from Porch (Redemption Chapel) on Vimeo.

A Beautiful Brokenness

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A month or so ago, some of our Redemption Chapel women got away for a weekend. We spent our time together talking about what it would mean for us to become servants to the people around us – to voluntarily lay aside our own perspectives, political persuasions, backgrounds, privilege, and rights in order to serve and love and listen for the sake of the Gospel. We got into the nitty gritty of life and talked about how much of this will be lived out in embracing God’s diverse creation – His beautiful design of a human race that is ethnically varied.

Of course, the hard work of racial reconciliation and unity starts with awareness – understanding and embracing our brokenness. It’s the first step toward healing the divide that permeates our culture and even Christ’s church.

We talked about offering that brokenness back to God and asking Him to turn it into something new and even more beautiful. Kintsugi is the the image that helped us wrap our heads around this idea – it is a Japanese technique for repairing broken pottery with seams of gold. This idea is that the gold joints makes the final work even more beautiful than when the piece was first created.

In her book, Beyond Colorblind, Sarah Shin explains it this way: Each of us is made in the image of God – with our ethnic identities and backgrounds in tact like beautiful pieces of pottery. But sin – in the form of cultural idolatries, ethnic division, shame, racism, pride, and selfishness – causes damage and brokenness. Left unattended these cracks can deepen into bitterness, despair, etc. The result is a shattered, unusable vessel.

But, there is hope!

Jesus is like the gold. He enters our stories with healing, redemption, and reconciliation. You see, Kintsugi doesn’t deny the brokenness of the pottery – it uses it to tell a new story. Jesus picks up our individual pieces, putting them back together to tell a better story. Our scars become transformed by Jesus’ scars.

At Redemption Chapel, we want to tell a new story. We want to let God take our broken pieces and create a new, more stunning piece of art. One where He shines through to a hurting world. In the process, we realize that we might have to confront some downright ugly stuff in our own hearts. That we might have to change how we view ourselves and others. We know it won’t be easy but we’re pretty sure it will be worth it. Because we have the scene in Revelation 5 around God’s throne to show us how the grand story ends:

After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands,  and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”

Stunning.

And, in my humble opinion, even more beautiful for having been broken.

A New Wrinkle in Racial Unity: Learning Andrew Peterson’s Humility

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Last week on Facebook, I shared a beautiful song by Andrew Peterson called Is He Worthy? It’s such a breathtaking piece and a moving declaration of worship to the only One who is truly worthy. It is based around Revelation 5 where people from every tribe, tongue, and people will gather around the throne of God in worship. Sadly, the video – which I didn’t watch –  is full of white faces. Not faces of other tribes and tongues. In a song about a passage that assumes the fullness of the diverse Body of Christ. A huge, hurtful miss.

Honestly, if I had watched it, I’m not sure I would have caught the miss. I’m ashamed to say it, but it’s true. So whitewashed is my perspective. It’s been haunting me… the wondering. Would I have even noticed the irony?

In the days that have followed, I have seen the controversy heating up a bit.

Today, Peterson issued an apology on his blog. A sincere, heartfelt apology from a brother in Christ whom I deeply respect. Among other things, he said this…

“So, as a white American singer/songwriter whose only hope is Jesus, I’m asking forgiveness of the friends and listeners to whom this video brought any measure of grief. I’m also asking the good people who have come to my defense to refrain from using social media to do so. Be silent long enough to really listen. And then, if the Spirit leads, engage with love and patience and humility.

As I said, the only way to learn something is to screw up. What was only a small voice in my head a few weeks ago will, I assure you, be a loud, clear voice of wisdom in the future. I’m sure I’m going to make a mountain of mistakes in the days to come, but, Lord willing, this won’t be one of them.”

I am so impressed with his apology. We can learn a few things from Peterson’s mistake. If we do, God can bring beauty from ashes… as He is so faithful to do over and over again.

  1. My white friends… we need to continue to put ourselves in the shoes of our friends of color. When we post, when we speak, when we plan, and when we act. We must pause and ask ourselves, “How will this hit my dear, darker-skinned friends?” We must continue to push ourselves to go there so that these sorts of misses happen less and less. I must lay aside my right to say whatever flashes through my mind or view things exclusively through my white lens. Instead, I need to pause to think about how it will be received. If I call myself a disciple of Christ, I must continue to push myself in this way. Much of Christian history and artwork makes it seem like Christianity had its origins with white folk. It didn’t. More like dark brown and olive-skinned folk. It is hurtful to our brothers and sisters of color when we continue to perpetuate this error. We need to stop making excuses and just embrace this lesson with humility. If you’re unsure, another option before you speak or post or act is to ask a friend of color. If you can’t think of a POC to ask… well, that’s probably a good place to start.
  2. The error having been made, Peterson’s apology is beautiful in every way. If we all apologized this way… wow, the impact would be profound. Peterson makes no excuses or whitesplaining for his error. He does acknowledge that he didn’t intend to hurt and gives some context. But he quickly moves on to share what he did wrong. He shares with us that he wept when he realized his awful oversight. He lamented over his mistake and the damage it was causing. He also asks for forgiveness. Boldly without excuse. And then he instructs people to stop defending him on social media where wounds are usually deepened and rarely healed. (Such wisdom, that!) He also asks us to listen to the voices of those who are rightly upset – to embrace their hurt with humility and openness. Lastly, he learns from his error and sincerely intends, by God’s grace, to never make this kind of mistake again.

This, friends, is the way of Jesus. This underscores why HE is worthy. Peterson points us to Him. I think in some ways this makes the song even more beautiful. The point of the passage is that all of heaven and earth were looking for someone worthy to break the seal and bring healing to the world’s brokenness. Racial brokenness being chief among the obvious cracks in our culture. Our mistakes highlight our need for One who is worthy. That is the Gospel. It’s on display – both in the words to the song and in the video’s obvious racial miss.

Peterson ends his post this way:

“After all, I’m not worthy of praise or glory. Only Jesus is, and it is to his strong hands that I entrust myself and my faltering work. Do I feel the world is broken? I do. Do I feel the shadows deepen? I do. And I truly believe that all the darkness—even my own—won’t stop the light from getting through. I do.”

Shine on, Gospel light. Shine on.

___________________________________

Here’s the song. Because it really is breathtaking. If you watch the video, just imagine that more than half of those white faces are replaced by faces of color. And imagine that right after this song, there’s a another song with a whole different kind of style and beat and cultural feel to it. And, then we’ll be getting a little closer to Revelation beauty. I can’t wait… 

Always Growing: Books on Racial Reconciliation

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A few months ago, I wrote a post about my journey in better understanding race – I’m a work in progress and I still have far to go in hearing and understanding the space that my friends of color live day-in and day-out. But my heart continues to beat for a Church that truly “gets” reconciliation and reflects what we will experience around the throne of God one day. A Church that is more beautiful exactly BECAUSE of its diversity not in SPITE of it.

In a talk that I gave at a recent retreat with the beautiful Redemption Chapel women, I talked about ways we can respond to the call for racial reconciliation. One intentional way that we can pursue reconciliation is by becoming more educated and exposing ourselves to voices that can mentor us in these truths. I mentioned several books that I’ve found helpful in seeking to develop my own understanding. I list them below along with some other books that come highly recommended by other leaders I trust and are on my way-too-long “to read” list. I’ve put asterisks next to the books I’ve already read.

Christian Living/Theology:

Historical/Biographical:

I’m a bit of a book junkie so I realize that a long list might feel overwhelming. If I were to choose just one for you to start with, it would be Sarah Shin’s Beyond Colorblind.

If you’re not much of a reader but still want to grow in this area of discipleship to Christ, I’ll follow-up later this week with a few other resources that are shorter articles or media-driven resources.

I pray that, as we pursue growth in understanding and in our relationships, God might increase our capacity to take risks in genuinely loving others and healing the painful scars that currently divide us.