Permission to Name the Tensions and Sit in Them

Caleb moved out last month. It was a good moving out. It was time. He’s in a good place in life – really growing into the man we knew he’d become. He has an ideal living situation. He’s learning to manage work, friends, involvement in his church, and finishing school; we’re thrilled to see him navigating those things well.

So, we knew moving out would help him flourish. He knew it too. We all agreed it was time. We planned for it. Discussed it. Helped him think through all of the things. Set a date.

We knew in both head and heart that it was time. But, you know, Rick and I (ok, mostly me) still cried a bit when we talked about it and prayed for him. Every once in a while, we questioned it and wondered if we should push the timetable back.

But we didn’t. We stuck with the plan that all three of us agreed was best. And it’s been such a good decision. He’s rocking it and really rising to the extra weight of responsibility. And, to be honest, having one less person in the house does simplify some things (and make the leftovers last longer!). So, we’re all embracing this new season.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t been a little bit melancholy at times. Like when I found this pile that had somehow survived all the toy purges and was still in his room.

Or when we sat down for Chef Rick night and he couldn’t come because of work. Or when we walk by his room and know he’s not in it anymore. Or when Madison has no one to raid the pantry with late at night. Or when Taco the Dog has to find a new napping spot because his bed isn’t there for her.

It’s been a sweet transition – I haven’t even cried much. And, yet, it’s been a little bit bitter too.

Why do I tell you all of this? Because I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions about things. When change comes or people disappoint you or you have to make a hard decision about the people in your life or you leave one job for another or you find yourself celebrating special occasions in new ways because of COVID-19… Whatever you’re facing right now, I want you to know that it’s OK to have conflicting emotions. Life is not always so cut-and-dried. Few life events are either all good or all bad. Most of them are nuanced and complicated. And sometimes we feel like we should know exactly what to do with all that nuance. Like we should have it all mastered.

But, we usually don’t so we fake it. Or we shove some of the emotions down. Or we go along to get along. Can I just give you permission to sit in competing emotions? To feel both happy and sad as you look back on 2020. Has it given us some gifts like slowing down and simplifying gatherings? Have we learned that we can have beautiful, meaning-filled weddings without having a blowout reception? Have we rediscovered things like hiking and being outside? Have we learned that being at home has its positives? Have some of us returned to creative pursuits like reading or sewing or making art? Have we learned to appreciate hugs and gathering with friends at new levels because of their absence? Have we learned that we don’t actually WANT to lose our small businesses? Have we learned that we have hard but worthy work to do in the area of racial reconciliation? Yes. All of those things are good things from 2020.

But this season has also been incredibly draining and difficult. It has been hurtful. It has been polarizing. It has been fearful. Mental health issues and suicide are at a high. Alcohol sales are up. Worthy groups like AA have stopped meeting and giving out their coins. Celebrations have been hampered. People have died in nursing homes – because of loneliness not COVID. Families who need in-home care for a loved one have been abandoned. We can’t SEE each other and we have to shout to our cashiers. Small businesses are barely hanging on – which means that the families behind them are struggling to pay their bills. Many shops and restaurants are just gone, leaving us with the big box stores only. Children are sitting in front of computer screens ALL DAY. Arguments on social media are more divisive and hurtful than ever. Some people have died from an illness we didn’t even know about a year ago. Foster care and domestic abuse cases are harder to document because being shut up at home isn’t safe and cozy for everyone. Relationships are feeling the weight of all these pressures. And IT IS HARD.

We hold these things in tension. The good AND the hard. I want to encourage you to name them both. To acknowledge all the nuances and feelings. Don’t just stuff them or dismiss them because they don’t fit into a neat package. The longer I live and the more I study the Bible, the more convinced I am that very few situations fit neatly into columns labeled “good” or “bad”. Most things in this broken world are a mixed bag. Nuanced. The person you love most in the world has his or her dark side. Some of your happiest memories had moments of stress or disappointment woven into them.

It’s OK to acknowledge and feel both. Hold them in tension. Let God work through both to shape you more into the likeness of His breathtaking Son. Can we let Him do that work as we reflect on 2020 and move further into 2021?

You really can linger over the pile of green, army guys with melancholy AND cheer him on in his new adventure at the same time. Welcome both emotions in, name them, and give them back to God knowing that He who holds them is trustworthy and purely, truly good.