On Saturday, I shared about our daughter Madison’s journey with anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. Being a teenager in today’s world isn’t easy. Studies confirm that depression among teens in the U.S. is on the rise. We had two suicides in our small high school already this year. My heart breaks for our kids as they navigate growing up in a post-Christian, media-saturated world. Both of our kids have really struggled with finding their way through it. But, as a mom, my heart also breaks for all the other moms out there. Guiding your kids through it is tough. It can rock your world a bit. So, I have a few thoughts for you too.
Moms of teens, I want you to know that I see you…
- I know it feels lonely. When your kids are struggling, you can’t throw it out there on FB ask for tips like you could when the issues were sleeping through the night and potty training. The physical exhaustion you felt when they were littles is now emotional exhaustion and it’s harder than ever to find times to connect with other moms because everyone is so busy juggling their own schedules and their nearly adult kids’ schedules.
- I know you feel like you’re drowning at times. And that you question every parenting decision you ever made along the way. You wonder if their struggles are your fault. And you wonder if they’ll pop out the other side into adulthood or if they’ll struggle like this their whole lives.
- I know you feel like people are judging you and your kid(s). Honestly, they probably are. Especially if their kids don’t struggle in the same ways. I can’t even post about the HPV vaccine without people getting judgy. Do I really think they’ll understand the decisions we made about something as complicated as mental health, epilepsy, and medications?
- I know you feel bad for even considering your own feelings in the midst of your child’s pain or struggle. You don’t want to make it about you. And, yet, your hair is literally falling out from the stress response… so you have to acknowledge that you are hurting too.
- I know that social media can be a real curse during a time like this because it looks like everyone is living the dream. They’re not. But the façade is there tempting you to despair and feel even more alone. And, don’t even get me started on the comment threads out there if you throw out an article or thought – people are brutal there. [see above comment on the judginess]
As I have reflected on our journey, I can share some of the truisms that I’ve clung to along the way:
Embrace truth. Whether you’re going through something hard like this or just slugging it out in the trenches of life with your 
kids, you have to reject the lies and believe the truth. I happened to be teaching through the book of Hebrews while our family was in the middle of this crisis and I’m pretty sure God used that more for me than He did for the 300 other women who were coming to the study. I reveled in the fact that God is a covenant-keeper, that Jesus is better than everything, that I can approach the throne of grace with boldness and find mercy, that I can fix my eyes on Jesus and run my race with endurance, that I’ll be joining a great cloud of witnesses in heaven some day when this life passes, and that I can count on the family of God to spur me on toward love and good deeds no matter what. Being in God’s Word regularly was everything. Not just then but for the 30 or so years leading up to it. I was drawing on a deep well to help me combat the doubts, fears, and lies that crept in. Your emotions can be strong during seasons like this. They aren’t always trustworthy. There are lots of lies out there waiting to trip you up or force you off course. Embrace truth.
Cling to your spouse. In our pain, there were moments where it was tempting to turn on each other. I wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with Rick because I needed to stay in Madison’s room. One of us had to be with her 24/7 so we weren’t getting much couple time. And when we did, there were lots of tense conversations as both of us were feeling raw and desperate at times. We could have shifted to blaming each other or disagreeing about the way forward. Instead, we prayed often, tried to stay patient with each other, and moved toward each other. Sometimes, we just wept together on the couch in the living room while she was in the shower. Cling to your spouse.
Keep it real with your tribe. I have written before about how blessed I feel in this regard. We have some of THE BEST people in our lives. Our church elders and staff were money when it came to just holding us up in prayer. We know of at least one example when we were waking up at night because of the weight and anxiety of it all – and God was waking one of elders to pray for us at that same time. We have a circle of friends who would move heaven and earth for us and we could sense that. Have a tribe and be real with them so that it’s not so darn lonely.
Stop trying to be supermom. Realize that you can’t protect your kids from everything. When they are little, we sort of live under the delusion that we can do this. And, in many ways we can keep them fairly insulated from a lot of things for a while. We can direct their paths by putting up literal gates and/or fences and limiting what they are exposed to. But the truth is, even if you can protect them from the rest of the world, they still live with your family and themselves. And, guess what? You are all sinners with your own kinds of baggage living in a broken world – and that means some mess will creep in. And, please, don’t worry about the coulda, shoulda, wouldas that people will want to throw at you. Do your best to be faithful, love your kids, stay humble, pray often, employ wisdom when you have it, seek God’s kingdom above your own, and follow the Spirit’s lead. No more supermom.
Love others. I know this seems counterintuitive. But, if you’re going through the soup and no one really knows about it, you can assume that others have their own quiet, internal battles going on too. They need “seen” and cared for just like you do. I’m not saying that self-care isn’t important – it is vital. But our Lord demonstrated a life of laying your life down and serving others. Trust Him to bring beauty out of your ashes as you do the same.
This is our story. So far. It’s not even over yet. We don’t know all of the story. Not even close. What we do know is that the Author of the story is good, gracious, merciful, loving, just, all-knowing, and all-powerful. So, we can trust Him through it. And that’s what we’re holding on to right now.
Thank you for your honest open message.
I taught Home Ec for 33 years and had speakers from Suicude Prevention come in and speak to my classes every semester! I felt it was very needed with so many!!
Thank you Shannon! I loved both your blogs. My daughter who is not stranger to redemption Chapel took our move to California hard. She left her life behind and was having a really hard time letting go. We I let her go to Ohio last summer and she came back home what I thought was a happier child. I myself have been fighting depression, sleeping all the time, not wanting to go out of the house, not motivated to do anything, I was feeling very loanly. (I started noticing Shannon feeling the same.)I kept thinking I must just be sick or I must have a tiroid problem. I went to the doctor because I was getting so bad it was affecting my marriage. My blood test all came back normal. I finally had to admit I am depressed. When I saw Shannon doing to same I took her to the doctor. She told the nurse that she has had suicidal thoughts. I was asked to leave the room. That was a wakeup call I had no idea. She was put on Zoloft 50mg the same as me. It is almost like God put us both through it at the same time so I could help her through it. Shannon took the deaths of two of her good friends very hard. Considering she had just talked to her friend two days before.
I am so glad you shared because it helped me relize that I am not alone as a mother of a daughter that suffers from depression. Shannon has been on her meds for 3 months and is seeming so much better. We talk about everything, we have become a lot closer because of this it seems God has shined his light on us!
Wow, Stephanie. For some reason I never got a notification about your comment so I missed it. I’m sorry! Thanks for sharing your heart and your story. We love your family and I’m glad to hear that there is a bit of hope right now. And that our story helps you not feel so alone in the midst of it. Depression can be a lonely place indeed.
Oh Shannon! As always your words have reached deep inside my woman’s soul and touched me deeply. I will remember you and your family in prayer. Thank you so much for opening your life to us. I know it will help a lot of women. May God continue to bless you richly.