I have sat down more than once in the last few weeks to stare at a blank screen or an empty journal page. Trying to carve out the time to reflect and write. It’s not that I don’t have thoughts – much swirls around in my heart and mind these days. Sometimes I even write a partial post in my mind while I tackle the laundry or cook dinner or when I’m in the car alone. And, then, when I make time to actually sit down and write… nothing. Just that stupid blinking cursor staring back at me.
When I wrote this on Saturday, I was at a local coffee shop with my man. I intentionally did not bring work. Refused to even open my Communique or Trades of Hope email accounts. I just wanted to leave myself time to be forced to sit with the blinking cursor. A bit of stare-down between me and my MacBook {wink}. So far, I’m not sure who won. But, then again, I’m writing. So, maybe it’s me?!?! Yay me. Of course, if the writing sucks, is that winning? I guess you’ll have to decide because I decided to just go with it.
Here’s the thing: the first four months of 2017 have kicked my butt. (There I said it.) For many reasons. It’s not all bad things – some of it has been some meaningful insight and introspection in my own life. It’s just that it’s been a lot. And, there have been some hard things too. Definitely some hard things. A dear friend was having sushi with me the other day and she stopped our conversation mid-california-roll to ask me how in the world I was even functioning right now.
Good question. It’s probably a question I could ask many of you. Because, here’s the thing: I know I’m not the only one who feels like she’s treading water right now. We all have our circumstances that make life feel weighty. I have friends who are bearing incredible burdens and stresses right now. To be honest, I think that even when life is going well, it’s hard.
It’s hard to be married. It’s hard not to be married. It’s hard to raise kids. It’s hard not to have kids when you want them. It’s hard to juggle all the demands of life and work. It’s hard to be out of a job and not have work. Catch a theme there? I think you get the picture.
Life is hard. Can we just get that out there? We live in a world that is in rebellion against the God who created it. And that changes everything. That makes life hard – sometimes we bring the hardship on ourselves because we make stupid choices but other times the hardship just comes to us because this world is not as it should be.
Life is hard. That doesn’t mean we’re not grateful for it or that we don’t want to live it anymore or that there is no meaning in the hardship. But, I think that it’s important to just acknowledge that it’s hard. Because if you just see me on social media, you might think it’s all hydrangeas and cups of tea. It’s not. Because I don’t really stop and take a selfie when I’m arguing with my son about his chores or when I’m glancing fearfully at my daughter because I’m afraid she’ll have a seizure or when I’m playing solitaire on my iPad because I don’t want to read my Bible or when I can’t sleep because I’ve got a lot on my mind or when I fudge the truth with my husband because I didn’t actually do the thing he asked me to get done and now I feel bad.
So, what am I saying here? Why am I publishing this post? (To be fair, I did warn you that the writing might not be great. If you’re still reading, that’s your own fault.)
I’m writing because of Val’s lunch question: how am I even functioning right now? She knew my answer before I even spoke it. Because she just came through a year of treading water herself. My answer is the same as yours. And, I don’t mean to be trite but the answer is simply the grace of God. He carries us. He brings beauty out of ashes and meaning out of hardship. He makes old things new. He takes our weaknesses and brings glory. It’s just what He does. Seasons of barely functioning are not wasted on Him.
And, that means I DON’T HAVE TO BE ENOUGH. Because I’m not. He is.
That is what I’m clinging to right now.
So, take that, blinking cursor.
What you wrote is perfect. I was deeply moved and blessed today by reading it as I am going through one of life’s hardships right now. And who isn’t? Thank you for being so open and putting yourself out there. That is why we love you and Rick and this church.
Thanks so much Janet. I’m so glad it blessed you too.
Simply thank you. I needed to hear this today. I loved this ramble.
I’m so glad it struck a chord, Kem. Sometimes it’s just good to know we’re not alone as we work thru things.
Shannon, I’m sitting here in tears right now reading this. Ironically, the last few weeks I kicked around emailing you because you seemed the perfect person to talk about this. I was worried though that as the pastor’s wife you were probably overwhelmed with ladies contacting you. I thought of contacting my mentor, but something pulled me from doing that. This morning, she called me, making me aware of a heavy trial she has. I see now why I was pulled away from calling her with my thoughts.
The last couple months, I too have felt overwhelmed: daughter struggling in school, son going into the Navy, tasks at home growing, and less time to relax and be in the Word. I felt my relationship with Christ was suffering.
So now, in my free time – okay, truth be told, it was only “free” because I was in the restroom, I see the Facebook post, which lead me to this entry. It was/is EXACTLY what I needed at this point. I can’t possibly thank you enough for writing this. I’m sticking my tongue out at your blinking cursor because in my book, you beat it hands down!
Thanks for sharing Cheryl. Love your heart. Been praying for your mentor too. I know her well.
Thank you for being you! Honest and open, this was exactly my thoughts during devotion on the mission trip! We do not have to be Enough, because He is enough!
It is so refreshing to know we are not alone in our day to day, tediously seeming, struggles. God is so good and has held me up over the years through so many tough times. It is such a comfort to know we can share with each other and, with God’s help, get through these tough times. Love you and Rick and love Redemption Chapel and the teaching we receive daily. Thank you for your honestly.
Nice Shannon. Not only well written but glorifies the One who holds us up out of the water.
Thanks for your transparency. Well said.
I’m with you in the water, dear friend, praying for you from afar. Thanks for the beautiful reminder and for being willing to let people in to a real walk with our Jesus.